Shut Your Pie Hole Al F-ing Gore!

APR guess Al F-ing Gore was right because up to 8 F-ing inches of Global Warming fell on APR over the week. That's right over 8" of F-ing snow and ice fell on APR's city.

Well what do you expect it's F-ing winter. But wait, this was one of the worst F-ing storms to hit APR's region in years. Well as APR was putting chains on APR's car for the second time in one week, APR was thinking that Al F-ing Gore needs to come out here so that APR can show Al the Global Warming Man APR's girls built with all the snow that accumulated on APR's yard.

Of course this also reminded APR of the wonderful blog that APR forgot all about.

Well since APR is busy shoveling APR's driveway APR decided to post Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t episode that pretty much sums up all of APR's feelings.

So enjoy.


via videosift.com


via videosift.com


via videosift.com

Shaggyman!

APR has a new favorite comic book superhero (he's actually a villain)...

Sure you got your Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine, and Spawn but APR has always favored the unusual and odd like APR's all time favorites Deadpool, Maxx, and Lobo.

But APR wants to let you all know about Shaggyman!

Who?

Yes Shaggyman!!!

Here's Shaggyman at the Justice League Christmas party. (Who knew that most superheroes are Christians)

Also APR feels just like Shaggyman when APR has to do Secret Santa.

http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/6805977.html

Hogfather

Tis the season to be jolly and cower, brief mortals!

As APR was watching Miracle on 34th Street, APR realized that the greatest Christmas movie wasn’t about Christmas but about Hogswatch Night. So for all of those people who want to celebrate Christmas without all the stuff about JC I give you the Hogfather.



Here are some quotes… especially the one that pretty much sums up all of APR’s belief.

"You're saying humans need ... fantasies to make life bearable."
"NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE."
"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers?"
"YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES."
"So we can believe the big ones?"
"YES. JUSTICE. DUTY. MERCY. THAT SORT OF THING."
"They're not the same at all!"
"REALLY? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET YOU ACT, LIKE THERE WAS SOME SORT OF RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED."
- Susan and Death

Ignorant: A state of not knowing what a pronoun is, or how to find the square root of 27.4, and merely knowing childish and useless things like which of the 70 almost identical looking species of the purple sea snake are the deadly ones, how to navigate across a 1000 miles of featureless ocean by means of a piece of string and a small clay model of your grandfather, and other such trivial matters.
Credulous: Having views about the world, the universe, and humanity's place in it that are shared only by very unsophisticated people and the most intelligent and advanced mathematicians and physicists.

It’s amazing how good governments are, given their track record in almost every other field, at hushing up things like alien encounters. One reason may be that the aliens themselves are too embarrassed to talk about it.
Representatives of several hundred space-going races have taken to hanging out, unsuspected by one another, in rural corners of the planet and, as a result of this, keep on abducting other would-be abductees.
The planet Earth is now banned to all alien races until they can compare notes and find out how many, if any, real humans they gave actually got. It is gloomily suspected that there is only one who is big, hairy, and has very large feet.
The truth is out there, but lies are in your head.

"Here's a tip, though. Just 'Ho, Ho, Ho' will do. Don’t say 'Cower, brief mortals'."
- Albert advises Death on how to be the Hogfather

Susan: [Susan is reading the fairy tale "Jack and the beanstalk" to children] And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy any more. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.

Random Rant #4

Sorry for the lack of updates but APR has been busy headlining Peter Pan as Pirate #3.

Here are some blog ideas that APR has had over the past few days that APR really couldn't make into a long blog entry.

Male Girdle
APR has invented the male girdle or as APR would like to call it the "mirdle".

How better to give yourself six pack abs without doing sit ups.

Oh wait someone has already did that?

Well F-it!!!!

Back to the drawing boards.

How about male pantyhose -- "manty-hose"? Anyone come up with that yet?

Embarrassing moments in APR's life #1
As you can see APR looked like a transvestite whore for Peter Pan and you're all thinking is that the most embarrassing thing APR has ever done?

The answer is no, not in a long shot.

Like some crazy self help program APR will list out embarrassing moments in APR's life to exercise the demons of APR's past.

So you're all asking APR looks pretty comfortable in make-up but has APR ever put on woman's clothing in public? The answer of course is yes. Back in high school APR dressed up for the homecoming pep rally not once but twice as a cheerleader. APR did so with the other members of the basketball team as a skit and to show team pride. Or was it just gay pride... no one knows and it was before digital cameras so lucky for APR no one has any pictures.

APR was Candidate #1B
Yes APR would like to confirm that APR was Candidate #1B for Obama's vacant Senate seat. APR offered Gov. Blagojevich a job as APR's editor and 50% share in APR's web site earnings along with a post as Union President of APR's new blog union, United Bloggers of America #1 and APR would allow Blagojevich wife to be CEO of APR's new business selling Manty-Hose.

I'm So Pretty

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.



I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.



See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!


I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

APR's Sports Motto

APR’s motto about APR’s favorite teams has always been:

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.

No words have summed up spectator sports like those spoken by Conan. Sadly it has nothing to do with the game since the game only last hours. It’s the mocking of the other team and their fans as their team loses and the sad looks on their faces. But if you lose, there is still hope that the next time the teams play your team can win and you will be the one’s celebrating.

Since APR has been away from ground zero (the region where APR’s teams plays), no one really cares about APR’s teams and APR likes that (especially when APR’s team loses).

So lately it has become a tradition with APR to watch ESPN late at night and hear the praised heaped up APR’s teams as they win. Somehow hearing other people praise APR’s teams has become the manna in which APR survives the day to day crap at work before APR’s team plays another game.

Sure APR can go to some likeminded fanboy web site and read the praises of APR’s team but to hear it from paid professionals who should be unbiased seems even sweeter.

Now I know what you are thinking. APR aren’t you a pompous ass when it comes to your teams? Yes APR is a pompous ass but there are some things APR won’t do.

Yes, APR cries inside and dies a little when APR’s team loses, and APR will scream and cheer during the game but APR will not belittle any opposing team’s fans about their team (APR will belittle them for acting like A-holes, retarded dumb asses, and living in a god forsaken state but not their team).

One more thing…

BOOMER! SOONERS!

Denis Leary -- I'm an Asshole!

This Thanksgiving Season let us give thanks to America and the freedom to be an Asshole!

APR’s Call to Action!

Okay APR has been bitching about the economy and going on and on about it too long. APR was going to write several more blogs on that subject, like the parable about the lazy grasshopper and the ants and how it’s all F-ed up because the lesson is you don’t have to work and save because someone else will take care of you like the ants because they worked hard all summer and now will have to support the lazy grasshopper.

Well APR saw an episode of King of the Hill “The Redneck on Rainey Street” last night and realized that APR has done enough bitching and complaining. It’s time APR got off his ass and stop whining.

In the King of the Hill episode Kahn’s daughter, Connie, is turned down for admission to a prestigious summer school because it already has too many Asian kids. Realizing that working hard and overachieving will never help them get ahead in life, Kahn and Minh decide to give up and live like beer-drinking, El Camino-driving rednecks.

Here are some quotes:
RUTH: Look, Connie's a really smart Asian girl, but I've got a boatload of them -- pardon the expression. She's not black, she's not hispanic, or even white. I mean, good Lord, give me a white kid from a public school with Connie's specs, and that kid could waltz in here.
KAHN: You telling me Connie didn't get in because she's an overachieving Asian? That's discrimination!

KAHN: Minh, don't you see? There's a paradise out there! A place where nobody works, nobody cares, nobody have plans or dreams that can be crushed.

KAHN: What choice do I have? We flee horrible dictatorship, learn a new language, work hard and study hard. And our reward for doing everything right is to be told "Go to hell. You work too hard. You study too hard."

There’s even a reference to the TPS report. But at the end of the show as Kahn was stick fighting a retarded man-boy he realizes that his daughter and her future was his true goal for working so hard.

KAHN: Connie like a beautiful lotus growing out of the muck. That's her hook!

So Kahn has inspired APR to write the following rant and come up the following new saying:

Whitey F-ed it up!
We need to clean it up!

That’s right!

Whitey F-ed it up!
We need to clean it up!

Can I hear it from those in the back!

Whitey F-ed it up!
We need to clean it up!

And when APR says Whitey APR means rich, white-men like the CEO’s of the banks, car makers, and big businesses that has F-ed up the economy and lost millions of jobs (you see them on the news these days asking for money) not the white people APR sees doing day to day work and trying to make a living. No those white people can continue to do their jobs. Yes even hillbilly red neck white trash whitey because APR can’t blame them for taking truck loads of money when Da Man was just giving it away and not read the fine print.

So regular white people and African Americans (because of the whole slavery thing and we need you to concentrate on sports and rap music) can sit back, because this is a job for the “we” in APR’s saying.

Who are the “we”? When APR says “we”, APR means immigrants. Yes immigrants! It doesn’t matter if you’re 1st generation, 2nd generation, 3rd generation and beyond, because if you grew up in a household that speaks two languages APR considers you an immigrant! Illegal or legal doesn’t matter either because the first immigrants were illegal (ask the Native Americans if those Europeans had the proper paperwork)!

Yes the immigrants! You know the ones who work 3 jobs, own their own business, and live with 50 relatives to save money! Because immigrants built this country and immigrants will continue to build it up! Why? Because the immigrant dream is a simple dream. It’s not about 401k, bonus plans or shareholder value. Oh no. It’s about their children. Immigrants do it for their kids. They may not have a better life and after this economic disaster they’re looking at a worst life for themselves but damn-it all to hell their kids are going to have a better life!!!

This is a call out to Asian (APR is including the brownies when APR say Asians because if APR say Indian people will confuse that with Native Americans and we all know what immigrants did to them), Mexi-cans (this includes people from Latin and S. America), Eastern Europeans, Middle Eastern, and Africans, America needs you and it’s time for us to shine.

APR is not only talking to those immigrants who have to clean up rooms, do laundry, make food and drive Whitey-McWhite-White around. Oh no… APR is also talking to the educated children of immigrants as well. Your parents worked their ass off to get you a better life and an education. So before you run off and marry the nearest white person, you better start living up to your parent’s expectations.

You immigrants better listen to APR's message, especially you Mr. Neel Kashkari. Who?

Neel Kashkari is an Indian-American (not Native American) who is the Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability in the United States Department of the Treasury.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neel_Kashkari

Let’s just say that if Neel was working at the Quickie-Mart he would be in charge of the penny change jar. But substitute Quickie-Mart with the Treasury and penny change jar with $700 Billion. Neel is in charge of the $700 Billion aid package. So Neel, all APR has to say is, you better not F-up! Because there is a long line of white b-school grads with less knowledge and even less experience but more connections waiting for you to fail. It’s time to show American what an Indian can do and to prove to your parents why it was a good idea for you to leave engineering and go into finance.

So it’s not about some rich white guy’s fancy million dollar house, his million dollar private jet, his millions in bonus, his hookers or his blow. Oh no… Immigrants need to do this for a better life for our kids and our kids, kids because if we don’t fix America our kids’ life will be worst off and we can’t let that happen.

Remember:
Whitey F-ed it up!
We need to clean it up!

Say it again my brother!
Whitey F-ed it up!
We need to clean it up!

So this Thanksgiving, in addition to NFL and fried turkey, let’s be thankful for immigrants. (Except for the Native Americans because if you know what you know now, you guys should have let those settlers starve in the first place.) Because no matter what Congress, the President and rich Whitey-McWhite-White does, the immigrant will have to clean it up, figuratively and literally.

Secret Asian Man

APR was shocked to learn that there’s a comic strip called “Secret Asian Man” and it wasn’t about APR’s college days in Boston where APR was known as the “Secret Asian Man”. APR got the nickname because other than APR’s appearance and name, APR did not fit into any other stereotypical Asian category. APR came from the mid-west, APR spoke with a redneck accent, APR wasn’t part of the hundreds of Asian organizations in college and the most important distinction was APR was really bad in academics. So you see why people called APR the “Secret Asian Man”.

Also APR’s college days were very pathetic due to endless nights of D&D, SpaceHulk and Battletech and would make a pretty sad comic strip. Thankfully no one is making comic strips about that yet.

Anyway here are some strips from Secret Asian Man by Tak Toyoshima.




You can find more at his blog…

http://www.secretasianman.com/home.htm

Another APR Kickass Football Player

So APR would like to name Florida State safety Myron Rolle as another APR Kickass Football Player.

I know what you all are thinking... APR has gone off the deep end. Not only did he pick a black athlete but also picked someone outside of Texas.

Well let me tell you a little something about Myron Rolle. He's a safety for Florida State and APR thinks he has a bright future ahead for himself. Sadly not in the NFL.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3719726

This dude is F-ing smart. He got named to a Rhodes scholarship. Yeah... let's list other famous black Rhodes Scholars...

Okay APR can't name any famous Rhodes Scholars but APR can name several past Heisman Trophy winners. So let's just say APR isn't really down with the whole education thing. APR believes that athletes shouldn't be slowed down by book learning. Especially during football or basketball season or preseason or even post season. The athletes are there to win championships and their reward is to F cheerleaders and get money from boosters.

So why name Myron an APR Kickass Football Player? Because the dude is smart and has gone against so much to do this.

APR assumes that getting a Rhodes Scholarship is as hard as understanding the BCS but this dude went up against one the biggest stereotype known to modern society.

The stereotype of the dumb jock. He was able to not only get the award but also continue to play for his team. He could have easily just let other people take his classes for him or have the coach pressure his teachers to give him a passing grade but Myron actually went to class and did his work.

So Myron in addition to being a Rhodes Scholar you are now one of the few people with the title of APR Kickass Football Player. Tell that to the whitey mc-white white at Oxford.

Deep Frying a Turkey!

It's almost time for APR's favorite holiday.

Turkey Day! AKA Thanksgiving AKA Whitey Stole America From the Indian's Day

So to celebrate here are some pictures from past Turkey Day feast and APR favorite method of cooking turkeys... Deep Frying!!!!

God Bless the man who come up with deep frying a turkey! That man is a genius!

APR Alternative Business Techniques

With the looming global recession and ever shrinking markets APR has a few business techniques for management that will allow them to continue to have hookers and blow. So listen up CEO's, especially those from GM, Ford, and Circuit City!

This isn’t the normal list such as layoffs, reduced healthcare benefits, outsource jobs overseas and have the CEO appear on a new ad campaign. Oh on… Any B-school grad can come up with those ideas. These techniques are so revolutionary and innovative that any company that employees these techniques will be profitable, increase shareholder values, and guarantee bonuses for upper level management even in a recession.

So listen up all you primates and bask in the glory of “APR Alternative Business Techniques”! Also don’t forget to sign up for APR’s business seminars and book tour coming to a Motel 6 near you!

1. Life lesson in action: Put a $1 bill under the chairs of your entire office. Write an email to the office and tell them to look under their chair. The moral of this story to your employees is you cannot make money unless you “get off your ass”! Also it gives you ample time to smell the hot chick’s chair.

2. Cost savings starts in the toilet. Do you know your company flushes millions of dollars a year down the toilet? Literally! You can save that money buy using a simple screw driver. How APR? It’s simple… tighten the toilet paper disperser so tight that if the employee yanks on the toilet paper roll too hard only one little strip will come off. Yes you will not only save money is TP but you will also make the employees so mad that they won’t take a crap at work. But remember to make sure the paper towel dispenser is not reachable from the stall.

3. Have the inmates (employees) turn on their own. What’s the best way to ensure company loyalty? Why having the employees turn on other employees. There are many ways of doing this but the best way is to dangle a promotion in front of several employees with the implied stipulation that those who don’t get the promotion will be let go or have to report to the person promoted. This way you can guarantee the best performance from those employees because they will have added motivation. Also the employees will work extra hard by sucking up to you and backstabbing each other. APR calls this the “Kirk vs. Lizard Man Approach”

4. Rent out your office for porn movies. Porn is one of the few recession proof industries. So what better way to become part of the industry than to rent out your un-used office space for porn movies? This will add a bit of realism to the movie, motivate employees to actually show up for work and who knows, maybe you get to be in a couple of the movies. You can also cross market your products with porn as well, like the following example:

Hi I’m Dan Hesse the CEO of Sprint. With the current financial downturn and ever increasing day to day cost, wouldn’t it be great to get your voice, emails, data, and internet on one device for one monthly price? Also wouldn’t it be even better to get porn on that device? Not just any porn but Sprint Porn™? Yes, porn filmed and produced at Sprint headquarters with me like “Call Center Whore”, “Financial Anal-ist”, and “Can U Suck Me Now” with the quality, service, and reliability of the Sprint network. If your answer is yes, Sprint has the solution for you. I’m Dan Hesse and I’m rich!

5. Be like Christopher Walken. Just walk around and impersonate Christopher Walken. Nothing inspires workers like Christopher Walken from Batman Returns, or from Catch Me if You Can, or any SNL skit.

Try walking around the office and saying the following to any issues that come up.

Sir we're being investigated by the SEC.
The Union is on strike.
Health care cost is going up 50%.
The Board wants to fire you.

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.

Don’t worry if you can’t talk like Walken, you can always try and dance like him around the office.

Bed Time Story

So it's been awhile so APR want's to put the Parenting back into Angry Parenting.

Here's a special bed time story for all those kids out there by Christopher Walkens.

Remember Wolfie Burns and Piggies Live..



Also here's another great story to tell your kids by Christopher Walkens.

Yea verily yea!

APR writes a lot of crazy ass things… and once in awhile APR actually hits a nerve and writes something profound. Sadly APR hates when that happens…

Check out the following links.

Are you an idiot to keep paying your mortgage?
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/16/BUQR1442LQ.DTL

The world has never seen such freezing heat
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/core/Content/displayPrintable.jhtml;jsessionid=Z5NMBFZTLI3JPQFIQMFCFFOAVCBQYIV0?xml=/opinion/2008/11/16/do1610.xml&site=15&page=0

Once again APR has another analogy that seems profound, comical, and yet sad because it’s so true.

APR feels like he is the Fool following King Lear around…

What? What? What?

Okay all you primates… Put down the remote and pick up some Shakespeare.

Shakespeare?

ARGHHHH!

William Shakespeare. You know Romeo and Juliet? MacBeth? Does that ring a bell?

Okay here’s the short of it. King Lear is an old king who feels that he needs to test the love of his daughters. He makes several mistakes and forsakes the one daughter who truly loves him. He realizes his mistake too late as he loses everything that he loves (including the daughter who truly loves him). This, my friend, is called a Tragedy not the normal happy-happy feel good type of Hollywood movies. Or as APR likes to think of it, Shakespeare was the John Woo of the Elizabethan era. Not the John Woo after he went to Hollywood, the John Woo when he was in Hong Kong making movies like the Killer.

John Who? No John Woo… come on people, he directed Chinese movies with super slow motion action, two guns in each hand and unlimited ammo?

If you’re too lazy to read the play King Lear, check out Akira Kurosawa’s Ran.

Akira Kurosawa? Sorry another obscure reference that only a few people will get. Sadly maybe no one will get…

Anyway that’s another blog or several more blogs… back to King Lear.

So APR isn’t King Lear or the daughters… Oh no… APR is the Fool. Yes the Fool who runs around making fun of the King. So who’s the King? Why it’s the society that we live in. APR mocks society and the crazy ass stuff that happens.

APR is like the Fool and is content is following the King around and making fun of the King. But not once does the Fool try and stop the King from making any mistakes. Oh no, that isn’t the job of the Fool the job of the Fool is to mock, tell a joke, and enjoy witty banter with the King. Yea verily yea!

Fools and jesters in the Renaissance era were employed not only by nobility but by aristocratic households. Fools served not to simply amuse but to criticize their master or mistress and their guests.

The one thing that the Fool hates is someone who will try and reason with the King and thus, agrees with the Fool in his criticism. You see the Fool does not follow any ideology. He rejects all appearances, of law, justice, and moral order.

So as the storm rages on and the King is screaming into the tempest, the Fool will be next to the king mocking him. But when someone else decides to stand up next to the Fool and scream criticism against the King, the Fool will have to turn around and wonder what the F is this person doing here. No really, what the F are you standing next to me and why the F are you here? This is my job, just like the token minority in a teenage sex comedy.

The Fool is paid to be here. So what the F is your reason?

What’s APR’s point? Please for the love of God do not take APR seriously.

Time to look for a new job when…

With the current economic crisis and the worsening economy you may ask yourself are there signs that you should start looking for a new job?

APR has one that a lot of financial and economic sites fail to mention. This is a great rule for you to start looking for a new job and/or if you’re an investor to start selling their stock.

The rule is: If the CEO/President of your company starts appearing in commercials when they traditionally never were in any commercials before, it’s time to start looking for a new job.

The main reason for the CEO/President of any company to make a commercial is to brand themselves as part of the company's image and convey a sense that they play a personal part in the everyday running of the company. Sure this would work for some mom and pop business and a used car dealer but not for a multi-billion dollar company.

The likely reason for the CEO/President to start making commercials is because the company has spent millions of dollars on a new advertising plan and chances are they hired some expensive consulting company.

Here’s the pitch….

Expensive Consulting Company (ECC) Person #1: Man we wasted millions of dollars and haven’t come up with any ideas on selling this crappy product. WTF are we going to do? How can we come up with an ad campaign that will justify the millions that they spent on our ECC?

ECC Person #2: I know what we can do… we can stoke the ego of the CEO/President and use him as the centerpiece of a multi-million dollar ad campaign. He can’t say no because we will tell him how great he is and he will love to see his face all over the place to really build up his ego.

ECC Person #1: You’re an F-ing genius! Let’s go get some ho’s and blow to celebrate and charge it to our client.

So not only did your company spend millions on consultants, ad agencies, and TV/Print advertising but the face of your company will be associated with some rich white guy and it’s not Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark either. Oh no, it’s some rich white guy with an even bigger ego now that he will see his face everywhere.

Here’s a list of commercials that APR has noticed and the results.

Ford – William Clay "Bill" Ford Jr. – Ford has continued to post record loses, had huge layoffs and tons of restructuring cost since his commercials first appeared. Let’s hope Henry Ford will come out of his grave to B*tch Slap his grandson.

DamilerChrysler – Dieter Zetsche “Dr. Z” – Same fate as Ford and they had to sell Chrysler for some blow and a tranny whore.

Sprint – Dan Hesse – Too soon to tell but APR thinks they should spend the money on getting exclusive phones like the iPhone or Blackberry and hire a new CEO who’s more interested in building your company vs. appearing in commericals.

Let’s look at other commercials with CEO/Presidents/Owners, there’s the Hair Club for Men Guy, Learn to use a Computer Guy, Male Enhancement Guy, and don’t forget Used Car Dealers.

You know who else put his face everywhere to sell his message? Hitler...

Yeah do you really want your company to be associated with those guys?

So if you’re sitting at home eating your leftovers and see the CEO/President of your company in a commercial it’s time to start looking for another job.

And if you're looking for a new job. Feel free to follow APR's 3 Easy Ways to Get a Job.

http://angryparentreview.blogspot.com/2008/09/aprs-3-easy-ways-to-get-job.html

APR is Bizarro!

Me APR, and when Me get a bill Me pay it.
Me pay Me taxes, and Me pay Me mortgage.
Me APR, Me try and live within Me means.
Me save for Me future by investing in Me retirement fund.
Me so smart because Me do what Me told.

What the F!!!!

When did personal responsibility and some basic (very basic) financial planning become stupid, bizarre, and retarded? What type of F-ing world does APR live in because APR seems like the outlier instead of the norm?

As you all know the financial world is going to crap. What does that mean? It means that if you’ve made bad decisions in the past 8 years, you don’t need to worry about it. Because you can bitch and complain to the government and run your F-ing company and/or personal finances into the ground and the government will come in and save your sorry ass.

Oh no, was anyone complaining the past 8 years? Funny APR doesn’t think anyone was saying wait a minute maybe housing prices shouldn’t go up 5X in a year or maybe a person without a job can’t really afford a $500k house or maybe we really shouldn’t sell cars that gets 5 mpg or give credit to people who have no jobs. Where were those people 8, 6, 4, even 2 years ago?

Oh but listen too all the sad stories now… listen to all the bitching and moaning.

The lesson for the financial institutions, auto makers, mortgage companies, insurance companies, and those people who borrowed more than they can pay back is the good old government will take care of you if you bitch and complain loud enough or threaten to shut down your business.

But APR this sounds like a win-win for everyone. So why is APR upset?

Because APR has been paying APR’s mortgage, credit card bills, and taxes, and because of that APR will get screwed! Because APR’s property value has gone to crap, APR’s 401k has gone to crap, and APR will have to pay higher taxes, HOA’s dues and service fees to cover for those who can’t pay.

So while all those Mother-F’er are out dancing in the street waiting for the government to send them another stimulus check with their reduced mortgages and new credit cards, APR is eating leftovers and clipping coupons. Because APR wasn’t going to get foreclosed on, because APR wasn’t late in his credit card bills, and because APR wasn’t spending his money on things APR didn’t need, APR will get nothing! No bailout for APR because APR pays APR’s bills, why would credit card companies remove some of APR’s debt because APR was paying it down already, and no new refinanced mortgage for APR with a lower rate either because APR was paying his already.

What lesson is this teaching people? If you F-up your company, if you F-up your finances, and if you F-up the economy don’t worry because you don’t need to pay your bills or your taxes because some retard will do it and we’ll just take his money.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

The government will bail out your company if you make bad decisions.

The government will give money to the financial institutions to cover people who can’t pay their bills.

The government will give money to the credit card companies to release people who can’t pay their debt obligations.

Here’s a Bizarro solution to the financial crisis, give the money to those who don’t need it so that they can spend it or maybe they will invest it and release funds so that banks can loan it to businesses. But what ever you do don’t give it to people who have proven that they can’t handle money and already F-ed up before.

Because that’s like giving a drunk more alcohol so that maybe this time he won’t get drunk.

F-U CEO’s who F-ed UP your companies! F-U you bastards who spend more than you can afford! F-U management decision makers who made crappy products that no one wants! F-U mortgage companies for giving people more money than they can pay back!

Yeah laugh at me as you cash your next stimulus check and buy your next HDTV as you go home to your foreclosure protected home because that’s APR’s F-ing money you’re spending!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE FEW, WE BAND OF BROTHERS!

APR has a special shout out to veterans on this Veterans Day.

“From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother”

In honor of all Vets, APR is going to list APR's own list of inspirational Vets.

Band of Brothers (101st Airborne 506th Easy Company)

Too many to name but they were all heroes. So just watch the HBO mini-series. APR wants to one day go to the Chattahoochee National Forest (I bet some Native American told the white explorer the name as a joke. I think it means “white mans wife is easy but won’t stop talking” in Native Americanize) and run the Currahee Mountain.

"3 Miles up, 3 Miles down" Currahee!!!

Scotty AKA James Montgomery "Jimmy" Doohan

Yes I know you’re saying that APR went over to his nerd side again and is promoting some actor who played an engineer and isn’t even American on Veteran’s Day. All APR has to say is read the following:

Jimmy was at D-Day on Juno beach as part of 3rd Canadian Infantry Division, where he shot two snipers. Doohan led his unit to higher ground through a field of anti-tank mines and took defensive positions for the night. Doohan took six rounds from a Bren gun, four in his leg, one in the chest, and one through his right middle finger. The bullet to his chest was halted by the silver cigarette case he carried, and his wounded right middle finger was amputated. Despite his injuries, Doohan remained in the military, trained as a pilot and flew an artillery observation plane.

This was all before he became an actor and the greatest engineer ever!

Bob Kalsu


I need to step out of character and just say going to the same school as his kids I never knew what their dad did and what his children had to face. So I won’t really be in APR mode for this part. Just go to the link and read the SI article about why we should all be grateful of the sacrifices of people like Bob Kalsu and his family.

http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1023026/index.htm

Okay back to APR mode.

Since APR just depressed the hell out of everyone, APR next Vet hero is Gunny!

Staff Sergeant “Gunny” R. Lee Ermey

Not only did he play a drill instructor for the Marines in the movies he was a real life drill instructor and severed 14 months in Vietnam. APR has no real evidence but APR thinks he was responsible for making the VC SH*T their pants and as part of the Geneva Convention he had to leave Vietnam because he was the first and greatest weapon of mass destruction.

Hoo Yah! Semper Fi!

69 -- yeah baby!!!

APR just realized that this will be the 69th post by APR... 69!!!

Yeah baby!!!! 69! 69! 69!

So in honor of the 69th post. APR will feature something that is synonymous with 69...

Yes we all know what APR is talking about....

PUSSY... Yes here are some pictures of PUSSIES...

Warning... this isn't the bald pussy's that everyone is talking about... this is hairy ass pussies...

Yes hairy pussies....







69 Baby!!!!

Proud American Part 2 (also another Annie Alert)

APR was reminded that there was previously a great movie that made APR proud to be an American and it came out during that special time in APR's life when APR was in high school. RED DAWN!!!!

This movie was the ultimate wet dream for high school students who really didn't want to prepare for college and hoped that one day dirty commie bastards would try and take over American, so that we can arm ourselves and prepare to kill commies. Because the greatest weapon against Red Pinko Commie's were American high school teenagers, especially high school football players.

Red Dawn fun fact: Red Dawn was considered the most violent film by the Guinness Book of Records and The National Coalition on Television Violence, with a rate of 134 acts of violence per hour, or 2.23 per minute.

Go Wolverines!!!!



As you can see this movie was what won the war against the Soviets and every time APR hears the ending, APR cries a little for those who lost their lives.

"I never saw the brothers again. In time, this war, like every other war, ended. But I never forgot, and I come to this place often, when no one else does."

"In the early days of World War 3, guerrillas, mostly children, placed the names of their lost upon this rock. They fought here alone; and gave up their lives, so that this nation shall not perish from the earth."

This is how you make a movie that makes people feel proud to be an American.

Sadly APR also has to issue an Annie Alert because the pinko lefty gay Hollywood media is going to remake this movie and once again rape APR's childhood memory.

APR has the bad feeling that the bad guys will be evil white men and the white cast of freedom fighters will be replaced with a multi-ethnic cast featuring Shia LaBeouf as the hero. And the ending will somehow make it all America's fault. F-U Hollywood!!!!

APR wants to make it mandatory that Red Dawn is required viewing for all high school students.

Go Wolverines!!!!

Anakin Alert!!!!

APR is introducing a new feature called the Anakin Alert. Annie Alert for short.

What is the Annie Alert?

The Annie Alert is named after Anakin Skywalker and APR will sound it when childhood memories are about to be raped.

Sadly this alert was not around for the Star Wars Prequels, Transformers, Speed Racer and the latest Indiana Jones Movie.

Check out the follow graphic raping of Indiana Jones by Lucas and Spielberg.



Sadly Lucas and Spielberg aren't the top offender. No it's the Evil Disney corporation. They have the most offenses. Such as Cinderella II and III, The Little Mermaid II and III, Bambi II, and Beauty and the Beast II just to name a few.

So APR is issuing the Annie Alert for the following movies:

GI Joe
Transforms II
Robotech

So be on the look out and please no matter what you do, don't let Hollywood rape your childhood memories.

A special message from APR

America is getting ready for a historic event come election day. If you live in a Red State or Blue State, or if you're a Democrat or Republican, and especially if you're in a Battleground State or Swing State the end is in sight and you are voting on the course of this nation for the next 4 years.

APR has a special message and this is the same message APR has every election cycle.

APR will not vote for the party of change or the party of old whitey-mc-white-white.

No APR will continue his voting efforts with the only party that represents APR's personal belief.

So when you vote, ask yourself "is the person I choose going to F-up the system and bring upon us the end of days and the rapture?" If the answer is yes than vote for that person. Vote for Anarchy!!!!!



APR likes the Sex Pistol version better but most readers of APR won't know which state the UK is in...

It's in the State of Anarchy!!!!!

F-You Rudy!!!

F-You Rudy... NCAA football has a great new feel good, inspirational, and motivational story. And it ain't about some short-ass slow whitey...

It's Texas Tech's kicker Matt Williams...

APR knows you're asking yourself APR must be a racist again... Promoting another white kicker over Crabtree who make the winning TD.

Come on APR he's just a kicker... and what's his time on the 40?

APR get's it but let me tell you something about Matt.

He was just trying to earn some rent money and ended up being part of the greatest game of Texas Tech's history.

Listen you have all heard the story about Matt so APR won't repeat it because there are creditable news organizations that will tell the story over and over again. APR just whats to put a little spin and perspective on this story.

You all know about Rudy right? Some loser ass white kid who got to play with Notre Dame. Yeah you all saw the movie with the hobbit playing Rudy with his man love for a bald black janitor so I assume you know about him.

Well what the F did Rudy do? Really! What the F did he do for the team?

APR thinks he made a sack... A F-ing sack... was it a sack on the Heisman Trophy contender QB of the number 1 team to win the game? No it was just a F-ing sack.

For this a movie was made?

Come on people there are players who had to fight racism, handicaps, and some even fought in wars to play football and did more than make a f-ing tackle.

Matt Williams scored 10 pts for the Red Raiders. Sure he had 4 PAT's and one FG blocked but how much did Tech win by? 6 pts! 6 pts by Matt Williams.

This isn't to diminish what the Red Raiders did, with Harrell, Crabtree, their receivers, running backs, the O-line, the D-line, the secondary, the lineman, special team, waterboy, and the coaching staff (especially the pirate himself Leach) did but looking at Matt's accomplished vs. Rudy's who is the bigger hero? Who is the bigger inspiration? Who is Da Man?

F-You Rudy... F-You Notre Dame hype and bias. If Matt was playing for the Fighting Irish he would be an instant God to them and books, movies, TV show appearances and motivational speaking engagements would already be underway. All Matt needs now is someone to write his autobiography and sign him up for motivational tours.

Matt you're APR's Ass Kicking Player of the week...

Since APR doesn't know any Tech sayings APR has come up with the following...

ARGH! F-You Rudy!!!!!

So Long My Friend....

Well it's been a great run... 13 seasons and now it's done.

Good Bye Hank, Peggy, Bobby, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer, Kahn, Cotton and the rest of the cast, especially Rusty Shackleford.

Thanks, Mike Judge for making this show. APR appreciates King of the Hill more since APR lives in the Left Coast and it reminds APR about living in Texas.

This was APR's favorite moment...



Go Sooners!!!!

Here are some great quotes...

Hank: I sell propane and propane accessories.

Hank: My father was six foot four when he left for Japan. When he came back he was five foot even. The Japanese blew off his shins and the doctor told him he would never walk again. He never gave up. He walked right to that doctor, looked up, and punched him... in the kidneys.

Dale Gribble: *Clearly* you are not yet comfortable being a leech on The System. Slither into America's large intestine and clamp on, Hank.

Asian Golfers: You get to play with the greatest Asian golfer. Tiger Woods.

KAHN: Guess you never heard of "belt of fat" theory.

COTTON: I was fourteen, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzys in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troupe's ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies, Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas, only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fifty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give 'em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed 'em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat 'em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees.

Tammy Duvall: Hank, no! Alabaster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up.
Hank: No offense, ma'am, but he's from Oklahoma.

Bobby Hill: Why is there such a big fence, Dad?
Hank: Well, millions of people come to America in search of a better life, and we've decided we don't need that many.
Bobby Hill: Did the Soupinusanphones come through the fence?
Hank: No, Bobby, Kahn applied the legal way. Sometimes the system fails us.

McCain is the Penguin!!!

To be fare and balance APR is posting the following debate which proves that McCain is the Penguin. Look at their debate style. Look at the way they talk and their arguments about guilt by association. Look familiar? APR thinks that Joe the Plumber was really Joe the Evil Henchman too.

Obama Wrong on Batman. Wrong For America

Oh if only McCain would have went this direction with his campaign.

Check out other Shortpacked webcomics at http://www.shortpacked.com/

APR's War on Halloween!

The evils of Halloween is upon us. Yes the evil that is Halloween!!!!!

So to fight this satanic devil worshiping holiday of debauchery and witchcraft APR is putting out a list of movies to watch and hopefully steer your kids away from turning into whores.

Whores?

Yes Whores!!!!

Halloween has turned from a night of candy and sweet sugar love to an night of eye candy and sweet ass love.

You all know what APR is talking about! APR is talking about the turning of Halloween into Whore-O-Ween. Hopefully the whores will all freeze to death because of their skimpy costumes. So hopefully you will take APR's advice and stay at home with your kids and watch some of the following movies.

1st is a movie about our Lord and Savior fighting all that is truly evil.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!



You're asking yourself why is JC fighting vampires? Well if that movie doesn't make it clear. APR will tell you.... Vampires are the gateway for women to turn to Lesbian Whores! Yes vampires turn women into lesbians and after they are turned to lesbians they become whores. It must have something to do with tight leather, and the forbidden passion that only two women can share.

But if you don't believe APR and the scientific proof then take a look at this 1950's PSA educational film.

How do you know you're a lesbian (AKA Die Lesbian Vampires!)



After watching that you too will understand the connection between Halloween, vampires, lesbians and whores.

I know what you're all saying... APR can you suggest something more subliminal and less lesbian about the message of JC and prevent our kids from becoming atheist, lesbian, and Democrats?

Why yes APR has a great suggestion that will have your kids singing a happy song before they realize the overt Christan message and pretty soon they will be protesting abortion clinics with you in no time.

Veggie Tales



So sit back and ignore those pesky trick and treating kids and enjoy the following movies.

Random Rant #3

Selling to APR

Easiest way to sell APR something is to complement the OU Sooners. APR was sitting in line for $2.39 per gallon gas and some guy from Costco came up to APR and said "God bless you for wearing that shirt. Boomer Sooners!" because APR was wearing an OU shirt.

APR doesn't care what you're selling but APR's buying. Sadly this sales tactics won't work if APR is in Oklahoma but since APR doesn't live near Oklahoma anymore it's refreshing to see a Sooner fan.

Wassup 2008

APR has one to say about this...

No matter what you think about the message this ad is pure F-ing genius. (Thanks Chris for sending it)



Dreams

So APR has had a couple of dreams that has stayed in APR's head the past few weeks.

First is a action movie like dream where APR and the Uber Nguyen Kim had to fight through corrupt cops to save our families. Mrs. APR thinks it's another sign of APR's man-love for the Uber Nguyen Kim.

Ever had a dream where you have everything that you ever wanted and you wake up to realize it was all a dream? You end up feeling depressed the whole day because of it. So APR starts out the dream at a Nguyen Kim Clan function and APR's dad tells APR that he's upset with APR and never wants to see APR again. Some might think this is bad but as you recall from APR's blog, this is a really good thing. So the whole dream APR is telling all the Nguyen Kim clan good-bye and APR was very happy about the whole thing. But at the end of the dream APR dad starts talking to APR again. APR woke up and realized that sadly it was all a dream and APR still has to deal with APR's dad and the Nguyen Kim Clan. Which made APR depressed the whole day.

Inspiration Particle

Some have asked where APR gets all of APR’s ideas from…

Well it’s simple.

APR is a giant magnet for inspiration particles.

What, what, what? What’s an inspiration particle?

Terry Pratchett in his Discworld books defined Inspiration Particles as:

"Particles of raw inspiration sleet through the universe all the time. Every once in a while one of them hits a receptive mind, which then invents DNA or the flute sonata form or a way of making light bulbs wear out in half the time. But most of them miss. Most people go through their lives without being hit by even one.”

Who’s Terry Pratchett?

Well the reason most people haven’t heard of Terry Pratchett is because he is the #2 most popular living writing from the UK today, right behind JK Rowlings.

No wonder most people don't know about Terry Pratchett, just like Buzz Aldrin.

Who? Come on people! Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon… I know second means first loser but at lease Buzz has a cool nickname.

APR would say something about the JK Rowlings and her books but can’t because APR hasn’t read any of the great literary masterpieces about the adventures of a young wizard who had to deal with adolescent life and the use of magic in both a magical and non-magical world in the UK. You know the Books of Magic comic books series.

What, What, What?

That’s not what Rowlings wrote? Are you sure? Because Books of Magic is about a skinny black haired orphaned kid with thick rimmed glasses from the UK who has a pet owl and will become the greatest wizard ever.

No Rowlings wrote about another skinny black haired orphaned kid with thick rimmed glasses from the UK who has a pet owl and will become the greatest wizard ever.

Here’s a picture…

Oh APR gets it, Books of Magic came out in 1990 and Rowlings series came out in 1997. APR can see how someone might mistake the two.

Maybe Rowlings was hit by a random inspiration particle called Books of Magic before she wrote her series.

Oh well…

Back to APR…

APR feels that somehow APR gets hits with more random inspiration particles then the usual person.

Sadly these inspiration particles are just random thought with no coherent meaning.

Like the last several sentences of ramblings APR just wrote, APR jumps between multiple references and discussion points that it’s hard to follow. And if you ever talk to APR in person you will realize too that APR cannot hold one train of though before switching to another.

So to answer your question, APR ideas are random and may not make send in any frame of reference.

So enjoy...

Change!

The world is changing, especially here in the US of A and APR think you all know what APR's talking about. We are all witnessing a momentous point in our nation's history that APR is proud to say that APR's spawn are witnessing first hand. Events so amazing that you will be able to tell your children and your children's children about.

It's hard to believe that someone has fought so hard against poverty, hate, bigotry and decades of ignorance to capture the American spirit and inspire so many people especially the youth of our nation.

As APR sat and watched in abject surprise that a large white crowd would cheer so loud and so joyfully for a black person. APR realized that maybe Martian Luther King Jr's dream might be coming true.

APR wasn't there when Jackie Robinson played his first game for the Dodgers, but somehow APR knows that Jackie lead the way for this young man to excel.

Who is APR talking about?

Why APR is talking about the black guy in High School Musical on Ice!!!!

Dude he can skate and dance on ice! Not the boring figuring skating to old whitey Mc-white white music, APR is taking straight out of hood dancing.

It's amazing to see a black guy ice skating without the KKK burning down the rink afterward.

When APR went to High School Musical on Ice APR was thinking that Disney was going to have to do an Al Jolson and use blackface on some gay white guy who couldn't make the winter Olympics. But not only did Disney find one black guy but a whole cast of black figure skaters that looked just like the cast of High School Musical.

But how can this happen? Disney is an evil empire that has genetically breed a line of black super figure skaters to take over the world? Is it because America is turning into a utopian color blind society? Is it because of affirmation action requiring minority representation in all predominately gay white events?

APR has discovered that there is a movement to teach poor black boys in inner city slums to figure skate and get them off the streets and stop dealing drugs. So please support your local Youth Black Male Figure Skating Organization like the South Central School for Black Ice Dancing Boyz and the Snoop Dog Oakland Figure Skating School for Young Black Males.

Proud American

Some people will try and gently avoid topics for fear of offending someone or a group of people or society as a whole. But APR doesn’t roll that way. APR rolls the Max Power way.

"There are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!" (Which is the wrong way, but faster!)

Upon hearing about the following movie (Proud American)



APR though to himself “What’s the best way to mock this and all the corporate sponsors (Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines) that made this abomination?”

Sadly it is to show it and let everyone look at the crap that Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines produced.

APR is a proud American but Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines really didn’t give American’s the credit they deserved. They assumed that if they make a movie of inspiration stories about the small guy, oversimplify their lives and struggles and wrap it all up with the American flag, it will sale to all the flag waving people out there. Or maybe someone at Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines felt that the liberal media was picking on America and wanted to counter Hollywood. I have no F-ing idea why Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines made this movie other than to insult Americans. That’s right Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines hate Americans! And they show their hate for America by releasing this crap.

To be clear, APR didn’t see this movie and have not intention of seeing this move. From the looks of the box office returns no one else did either.

Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines put together a movie about minority groups such as Asians, blacks, Jews and handicapped people (somehow they forgot Native Americans and Mexicans) and showed how they made it against the oppressive white society and big business like (Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines) without lawyers, unions, or asking for government help. Because in today’s society the only evil people allowed are the white people that are part of the big business establishment. You know the white corporate people from Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines. Don’t worry my oppressive whitey masters, because APR has the feeling that there will be stories about white people from Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines and their struggles to balance out the token minority stories.

Let APR be perfectly clear. ARP is PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN. APR is not proud of the corporate decision makers from Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines who put this poorly thought out propaganda after school special public service announcement together. Americans do love to be spoon feed propaganda all day long, just as long as it’s good propaganda. Or at lease propaganda with a beat we can dance too.

Just look at the following movies with hidden messages:

Slaughter House Roles – A movie justifying killing unborn babies
Million Dollar Baby – A movies justifying killing people in a coma
I Know Who Killed Me – A movie justifying killing Lohan’s career

We don’t need a movie justifying the American attitude and American’s place in this world because that movie has already been made and that movie is Team America: World Police.

What, What, What, What?

You’re thinking APR went to the evil left and is now promoting some anti-American liberal hippie tree hugging Hollywood crap now.

Au contraire my friend. Team America: World Police was a bait and switch for the hippies and the media. You see all the whack jobs went to see it thinking the movie will make fun of America and to watch puppet sex (sick liberal tree huggers love puppet sex) and what they really saw was the greatest justification for the war on terror and US policies for the past 50 years.

This speech is why APR is proud to be an American. (Warning: This part isn’t censored so don’t let any kids read the following)

We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

Instead of making the crappy movie that was Proud American, Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines could really show that they are Proud Americans by sponsoring US soldiers.

Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines could have purchased body armor, bullets, planes and tanks and put their dumbass logos on all those items with the money they spent on this movie. This would be great for marketing and promoting their brands along with providing new equipment for our soldiers. This would be the greatest gift that these corporations could have given to America and the soldiers who make APR Proud to be an American.

In fact if there are any US military personnel out there, APR would like to sponsor something.

Sadly APR doesn’t have the big bucks like Wal-Mart, Coke, MasterCard, and American Airlines but APR wants to say thank you for all the work you do.

APR was thinking of sponsoring some nose art on bombs and missiles. APR would like to know how much it will cost to put on a Hellfire missile the following

“APR says Terrorize this M-F’er” or “Death from Above Sponsored by APR”.

APR would love to have that be the Hellfire that takes down Osama or an Afghan. wedding party, which ever will give the greatest body count.

APR is serious so contact APR at anguyenk@gmail.com and we can work out the details.

Ho Yah!!!!

Do You Remember Love

Best Anime Ever!!!!



Cool things to look for:

There's a decapitation!

Max get's super sized!

These boots for made for walking!

M.A.C. III kicking ASS!

Budweiser beer can!

F-U Microsoft

Okay what the F happened to easy to use software and not F-ing with something that works? APR’s talking about you Microsoft, your MS OFFICE 2007 and every other MS product 20XX! Why are they so crappy and remove functionality that was working just fine in the previous versions. F-U Microsoft!

Let me remind you that when APR first started using a word processor instead of a typewriter APR used Word Star. What the F is Word Star and what the F is a typewriter? APR has no idea but it was like using two sticks to light a fire compared to when APR used MS Word for the Mac. Yes people Mac. You may not be aware of this but Microsoft Word software first came out for the Mac and Bill Gates and Steven Jobs were the best of friends taking on the evil empire of IBM. IB-Who? Yeah let’s skip the history lesson and let’s just say it was a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

So don’t get all MS fanboy on APR’s grill and say APR don’t know S about software and how to use software.

Because APR was the OG PC!

DOS Baby!

Give me a 5 1/4 floppy I need to reboot!

Can I get a shout out to the 486 in the house!

APR will not comment on how crappy Vista is because all the tech sites and nerd blogs are all over that like flies on rotten flesh.

No APR will talk about one aspect of MS Word 2007 and why this one item represents all that is wrong with Microsoft today with their backwards logic and poor decision making.

APR was just trying to do a simple “save as” in Word 2007 and couldn’t find the F-ing function. Not only does APR have to deal with the new user interface and crappy Vista OS but now APR has to relearn MS Word all over again.

F-U Microsoft!

Is it some evil plan by Microsoft to take over the world? Is it some right-wing conspiracy against journalist and reporters to prevent them from reporting on the Bush Administration? Or maybe it’s a left wing liberal media conspiracy to prevent people from reporting on Obama in a negative way?

Or maybe some dumbasses at Microsoft decided in multiple team meetings and design reviews that there was too much space taken up by all the new logo’s, function buttons, and 3-d design that they didn’t have room for “save as” anymore.

Sadly APR feels like it’s because of dumbasses at Microsoft. Chances are B-school dumbasses at that. This is what’s wrong with Microsoft. The people making the decisions are far removed from the people who have to use the system, that they left a function that every one used out of the new software. Nothing was wrong in Office XP or Office 2003 or Office 2000 or Office when it was just Word and Excel.

But the fanboys will be quick to point out that you can customize your buttons and view and add that function back with some quick 45 step process though multiple screens and drop downs. Don’t get me started on using MS help on line either.

Stop F-ing with it!!!

Image the following scene as Anakin was just reconstructed from this chard limbless body and was told the following.

Emperor: Arise Anakin!

Darth Vader: Yes, my master. What is thy bidding?

Emperor: Before you start using that new robotic body of yours that I built, there is a small matter that I need to tell you about.

Darth Vader: Is something wrong with Padme and my child?

Emperor: Yes, they’re dead, but that’s not really important until Episode V. It’s about your new robotic body. You see we had to switch from XP to Vista because the DELL Evil Robotic Parts Supplier can only load Vista and to downgrade we would have to pay more. It was a cost savings decision like not protecting that exhaust port on the Death Star.

Darth Vader: Since this is an upgrade would I get more functionality and power?

Emperor: Yes and no. You see Vader, it’s a software upgrade but it uses so much of your force powers to run all the new useless features like gadgets and upgraded web browser that we had to downgrade other functions.

Darth Vader: Huh?

Emperor: You really can’t do all the stuff you did in Episode I-III. You know the cool force powers that you had with the jumping and spinning and pulling stuff around? Not so much for Episode IV-VI. Also you’re not that good of a pilot or light saber user anymore since it was decided that those functions aren’t really needed. But you get MS Force Choke, MS One Care and you can connect to MySpace faster. They said with the next software upgrade you will get to do lightening attacks like me.

Darth Vader: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s the way I feel every time I use any new MS products. Why did they F with something that works. Why upgrade and why add new features when 95% of what is needed has always been there from the previous 5 versions?

Is it to make more money? Or maybe, to sell $50 “MS Word 2007 for Dummies”? Or Microsoft wanted to open a help desk farm in India?

F-U Microsoft! F-U PC makers for pre-installing this crap on every F-ing new computer! F-U Bill Gates for letting idiots run your company so that you can make commercials with Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah how did that work out for you? F-U Jerry Seinfeld you whore!

You’re cool PC man. I respect you.

I'm a Spreadsheet Miner

One of the many questions APR gets asked is what is APR’s profession. Astronaut? Movie Star? English Professor?

No, no, and are you kidding me?

APR is called many things at work, such as corporate whore, professional kiss ass, “yes man”, and middle management troll.

But none of that describes what APR does for a living.

After looking through APR’s work computer, APR found out that the most used application (next to Free Cell) was Excel. APR was surprised it wasn’t a web browsers too…

After looking at the fact that Excel was the most used application on APR’s work computer, APR is introducing a new term for the masses. Yes APR has created a whole new title for APR’s job function along with titles for those who interact with APR.

APR will like to introduce to you the professional title of “Spreadsheet Miner”

APR is a “Spreadsheet Miner” not to be confused with “Spreadsheet Manufacturer” which was APR previous job.

What is a Spreadsheet Miner?

A spreadsheet miner is someone who extracts precious data from huge database of information that can be used by spreadsheet manufacturers to build corporate spreadsheets that will be used by high level executives to trade for monetary funds and justify their big salaries.

Being a spreadsheet miner you have to sift through mountains of business data (such as: production cost, sales revenue, and accounting entries to name a few) and organize it in an easy to understand format so that others can take that info and process it into a finished spreadsheet with easy to understand pie charts.

Why is this job function so valuable? Because these spreadsheets are the raw material that feeds the corporate business world, especially the investment bankers. You can say that these finished spreadsheets are traded for money. Actually there are several steps in-between (involving accounting trolls, admin wrenches, and IT hobbits) but the goal is to show that your company isn’t a crappy investment so that you will get money.

Political spin doctors have nothing compared to corporate spin doctors. Or as APR calls them the Corporate Wizards because they use their magic speak and turn numbers into mystical tools for corporate investments. These Wizards can compared and contrasted so much that it’s hard to tell what is being said and what was the original data. Of course a good spreadsheet miner has to find the right info because the soulless auditors “Spreadsheet Wraiths” will come in and pick the bones dry of any unlucky miner who tries to pass off bad data as good data.

So join APR in the Spreadsheet Miner work song….

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our database the whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do
It ain't no trick to get rich quick
If you dig dig dig with a spreadsheet and click
In a mine! In a mine! In a mine! In a mine!
Where a million data points shine!

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig from early morn till night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig up everything in sight
We dig up data for spreadsheets by the score
A thousand rolls and columns, sometimes more
But we don't know what we dig 'em for
We dig dig dig a-dig dig

Height Hoooooo! Height Hoooooo! Height Ho Height Ho it’s time to launch Excel and go.

N o Spin Zone #5

Presidential candidates message to the voters:

Obama – All you F-ing white people better not F this up for me!!!

McCain – Why are you F-ing white people F-ing it up for me?

Blazing Saddle (Election 2008)

So for some reason APR though that the elections were over when the half black guy beat the half woman earlier this year but to APR’s surprise last night it’s still going on. Now the half black guy is taking on some old white guy in a cage match hosted by Tom Brokaw.

APR was very disappointed when the Junk Yard Dog didn’t run out with a 2x4 and started whacking some heads.

Because this election is still going on APR wants to add his two cents before the media steals APR’s ideas again.

APR wants to be the first to point out the similarities between Blazing Saddles and the 2008 elections.

You have a charismatic, fast talking black guy with no real experience for his job, who is fighting racial stereotypes, and ends up uniting people of different backgrounds against some old white guys.

APR liked Blazing Saddle better. You know why? It was made in the 70’s when white people could say the N-word and ebonics hadn’t changed the name to Blaz’in Saddlez! But most of all it was a time when you can actually make fun of minorities and Hollywood allowed a Jewish writer, director, actor, and producer to have his white actors use the N-word in movies.

Sadly today you can’t show Blazing Saddle on TV anymore just like you can’t read “Huckleberry Fin” in schools. Huckleberry Fin was a satirical look at southern antebellum society and entrenched racial attitudes in the US at the time but the book is now protested by the political correct police because of Mark Twain’s use of the N-word (which wasn’t a bad word when he wrote the book). So to is Blazing Saddles a satirical look at US society and entrenched racial attitudes which is now over shadowed by the use of the N-word. (Okay who the F just wrote that? APR must have read something on-line)

Here is the 2008 Election cast of Blazing Saddles

Sheriff Bart – Barack Obama (come on if you can’t figure this one out you’re pretty dumb. Here’s a hint: he’s black.)

Governor William J. Lepetomane – John McCain (because of his stature, color, crazy ass comments and his fondness for women)

Bart’s side kick Jim – the white guy Obama picked for his running mate… you know the other old white guy from the senate.

Governor’s dumb secretary – Sarah Palin (no really McCain loves his dumb beauty queen woman) or Tina Fay which ever is free.

Lili Von Shtupp – Hillary Clinton (come on, you know the Republicans sent in the Blackman's Kryptonite and she ended up being his B-word)

The Mayor of Rock Ridge – Fred Thompson (I know he’s a Republican but he looks just like the guy from the movie)

Crazy hillbilly who kept saying the N-word and no one gets it – Rush Limbaugh (I think he says everything but the N-word on his show but you know that’s what he’s trying to say)

Hedley Lamarr – The Republican party (they really run the government and McCain is just being used by them for the GOP’s evil plans).

Mongo – There is no one person who represents Mongo, because Mongo will be played by the media. Yes the media and their love fest for Obama. Mongo was a destructive force sent in to destroy Sheriff Bart and was turned into his B-world just like Hillary.

Best line from the movie and one that will determine the election – We’ll take the N-word and the chinks (c-word was already taken) but we won’t take the Irish.

Sorry McCain (sounds like an Irish name to me) you lose!