APR Alternative Business Techniques

With the looming global recession and ever shrinking markets APR has a few business techniques for management that will allow them to continue to have hookers and blow. So listen up CEO's, especially those from GM, Ford, and Circuit City!

This isn’t the normal list such as layoffs, reduced healthcare benefits, outsource jobs overseas and have the CEO appear on a new ad campaign. Oh on… Any B-school grad can come up with those ideas. These techniques are so revolutionary and innovative that any company that employees these techniques will be profitable, increase shareholder values, and guarantee bonuses for upper level management even in a recession.

So listen up all you primates and bask in the glory of “APR Alternative Business Techniques”! Also don’t forget to sign up for APR’s business seminars and book tour coming to a Motel 6 near you!

1. Life lesson in action: Put a $1 bill under the chairs of your entire office. Write an email to the office and tell them to look under their chair. The moral of this story to your employees is you cannot make money unless you “get off your ass”! Also it gives you ample time to smell the hot chick’s chair.

2. Cost savings starts in the toilet. Do you know your company flushes millions of dollars a year down the toilet? Literally! You can save that money buy using a simple screw driver. How APR? It’s simple… tighten the toilet paper disperser so tight that if the employee yanks on the toilet paper roll too hard only one little strip will come off. Yes you will not only save money is TP but you will also make the employees so mad that they won’t take a crap at work. But remember to make sure the paper towel dispenser is not reachable from the stall.

3. Have the inmates (employees) turn on their own. What’s the best way to ensure company loyalty? Why having the employees turn on other employees. There are many ways of doing this but the best way is to dangle a promotion in front of several employees with the implied stipulation that those who don’t get the promotion will be let go or have to report to the person promoted. This way you can guarantee the best performance from those employees because they will have added motivation. Also the employees will work extra hard by sucking up to you and backstabbing each other. APR calls this the “Kirk vs. Lizard Man Approach”

4. Rent out your office for porn movies. Porn is one of the few recession proof industries. So what better way to become part of the industry than to rent out your un-used office space for porn movies? This will add a bit of realism to the movie, motivate employees to actually show up for work and who knows, maybe you get to be in a couple of the movies. You can also cross market your products with porn as well, like the following example:

Hi I’m Dan Hesse the CEO of Sprint. With the current financial downturn and ever increasing day to day cost, wouldn’t it be great to get your voice, emails, data, and internet on one device for one monthly price? Also wouldn’t it be even better to get porn on that device? Not just any porn but Sprint Porn™? Yes, porn filmed and produced at Sprint headquarters with me like “Call Center Whore”, “Financial Anal-ist”, and “Can U Suck Me Now” with the quality, service, and reliability of the Sprint network. If your answer is yes, Sprint has the solution for you. I’m Dan Hesse and I’m rich!

5. Be like Christopher Walken. Just walk around and impersonate Christopher Walken. Nothing inspires workers like Christopher Walken from Batman Returns, or from Catch Me if You Can, or any SNL skit.

Try walking around the office and saying the following to any issues that come up.

Sir we're being investigated by the SEC.
The Union is on strike.
Health care cost is going up 50%.
The Board wants to fire you.

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.

Don’t worry if you can’t talk like Walken, you can always try and dance like him around the office.