Are you ready for some Football!!!!

As so many of you know I can't write or read. But it doesn't mean I can't appreciate good writing. So getting ready for football here's a great commentary on the greatness that is the NFL. And if you're illiterate like me you can listen to the audio link on the web page.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=93995199

The article is by Frank Deford and is contains good points, wit, and sarcasm along with being topical, insightful and humorous.

Here are some quotes.

The most difficult decisions the commissioner of the NFL must make are along the lines of, "Oh my, what in the world are we going to do about Brett Favre?" And: "How can I keep Jerry Jones happy?" And: "How long do I suspend players who shoot people in nightclubs?"

Tennis is so confusing that it runs about 64 weeks a year. Tennis and boxing also have so many competing agencies that they are all just identified by their initials, so nobody even knows who anybody is. We have the ITF and the WBC and the WTA and the WBA and the ATP and the WBF. American professional football has The Commissioner.

But the more spread out a sports organization, the more diffuse its charge — and the more individuals rather than teams are competing, the more inefficiency and, also, the more opportunity for chicanery. Do you really think the International Olympic Committee is capable of finding out how old those itty-bitty little Chinese gymnasts really are? Please.

APR Economic Indicator

With the Economy being such a major news story APR is introducing the most revolutionary graphical tool to track the economy that is so easy to understand an average America can understand it. In addition to tracking the economy APR Economic Indicator will also represent a new monetary exchange rate.




I call it the APR “Arby’s 5 for 5” Economic scale. As you can see “Arby’s 5 for 5” has only increased in value from $5 to $5.95. Because of this it has withstood inflation and the increase in gas prices.

Using the system, we compared fuel, the CDI and the increase in Arby’s 5 for 5 from $5 to $5.95 over the same period. You see that fuel cost does not comply with the “Arby’s 5 for 5” system showing that fuel prices are not being controlled by market conditions. What does this mean APR? It means that we should be paying less for fuel and fuel prices are being controlled by the greedy oil companies. It also shows that a rich oil tycoon can easily afford more Arby’s 5 for 5 with the profits from the increased gas prices. Also Arby’s beef and cheddar sandwiches should be used to base our monetary system on, so take that FEDS!!!!

DNC Drinking Game

So I hate all politicians but after the greatness that was the Olympics I have to wait through the crappy national conventions of both crappy political parties before I get to the new season of the Office.

Damn it, has it been four years since the last crap-tacular elections? Who won that one? Well it doesn’t matter because we all lost.

For all you neo-cons did you get anything from the last 8 Bush years? Unless you were already rich you likely got f-ed up the ass.

So what do you think you will win if Obama or McCain wins? Hopefully one of them will at lease give you a reach around and jerk you off.

Jerking me off happens to my criteria for picking the next president. McCain might be inclined if I scream at him in Vietnamese.

Anyway back to the convention. So this week it’s the Democrat's turn to sell us their crap.

So here are the rules for the drinking game.

1. Take a drink when someone says any of the following words and/or phrases: Change, Hope, Family Values, Green, Health Care, Carbon Neutral, Foreign Oil, “We support our soldiers” or Bush.
2. Take a drink when the camera pans to any of the following: Excited convention goers with too many buttons and signs, cute babies, or someone crying.
3. Take a drink when Ted Kennedy is mentioned just because he’s an F-ing drunk and for the girl he killed.
4. Take a drink when the channel you’re watching advertises themselves and/or their coverage in an extremely positive hyperbola. (I have no idea what hyperbola means but my daughter told me to use it in a sentence).

This will get you good and drunk in less than half an hour and you can try and act like Ted Kennedy by driving off the road, drowning a girl, and getting your brothers to cover it up. Hell you don't need to be drunk to do that, you just need to have the dead girl smell like she's been drinking.

I keep thinking about the Chinese in their blissful ignorance with only one political party and no political freedoms like us in the US of A. No conventions, no political parties trying to scream the loudest and no politicians pandering to their constituents. I mean have you tried to listen to these blow hard, wind bags, go on and on about why there are so great? Shut your f-ing pie hole!!!

The Chinese aren’t delusional because they know their government can and will break into their house and takes them away to a torture camp. Not like us in the US where we assume that we have rights and that somehow our government won’t do anything bad to us. At lease they have universal health care which is more than what we have here.

So think of the conventions as the date rape drug of the political party. They will bore you to death with their long winded speeches and take you back to the lobbyist paid hotel rooms to gang rape you. If you’re lucky in November your candidate will have been aborted and you won’t be like the other half when their demon spawn lobbyist baby is born.

Going Green Part ? whatever I’m tired now…

Media sucks ASS… F-you media… You spoon feed us crap all the time and we take it!!!!

Gunny what do you think about the Media?

The media is like the type of guy that would F a person in the ass and not even have the G-D common courtesy to give him a reach-around.

F Yeah Gunny!!!

Also shut your F-ing pie hole Al Gore!!!

Semper Fi!

Olympics (final rant)

China spent $40 billion on the Olympics. People complained about China cheating, their human rights, and restrictions and of course their competition with the USA.

But you know what?

I would rather have China spend $40 billion on the Olympics vs. Russia spending $40 billion on tanks.

What would happen if China spent that money on their military? I’m thinking Taiwain and Japan would be crapping their pants now.

Also all this talk of China taking over the world won’t work because China has accepted dumb ass Western culture and will become a large bastion of rappers and obesity. If you don’t believe me look at the following.

Once again APR would rather take on bad rapping Asians than a Russian tank any day.

Gunny how do you feel about China?

China is full of G-D communist heathen!

So true Gunny, so true…

Death in a Movie

Have you seen a movie where someone dies that is so moving that you try and block it out of your mind?

Movies like Bambi, Titanic, and Star Wars.

You recall the joy of the characters performance with fond memories and just block out their death. For a long time I’ve been blocking out this characters death so much so that I had forgot that he died. Then one night you’re watching TV and the scene comes up. You watch with horror as they die again and you realized that you’ve been blocking it out for all these years and it hits you like a Mac truck.

You think to yourself, was there a dream sequence in the movie or maybe this is the directors cut?

So whose death is so traumatic for APR to have such a shocking experience?

Why I’m taking about Gunny from Full Metal Jacket.

When he died I wanted to scream...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Stupid F-ing Pyle!!!! Why did you shoot Gunny? Why Pyle!!!!

I think that Stanley Kubrick’s point of Full Metal Jacket was if Gunny wasn’t killed America would have won the war in Vietnam.

This movie also had some great sound bits and phrases:

Me so horny.

Me love you long time.

But my favorite is still the opening with Gunny.

So from now on Gunny will be the official representative of APR!!!

Also if you can’t get enough of Gunny you can find R. Lee Ermey doing a lot of voice work in cartoons and playing a military/law enforcement character in movies.

Here’s my favorite non military Gunny moment from Saving Silverman.

Coach Norton: Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be suppressed by hard liquor, then use this! [showing them his right hand]

Random Rants!!!!

First off I want point out the new layout. If you don’t like it well F-off!

So I just have some random rants instead of any organized thoughts. But it’s the best F-ing rant ever!

I would like to thank who ever purchased something from Amazon because I have a little over a dollar in my Amazon associates account. So someone in America can still read.

CG/Animated Sci-Fi review

Everyone has been talking about the new computer generated movie/tv show from every geek and nerds favorite space opera. People say they are cashing in, selling toys and raping our childhood memories but I disagree because I liked it. Sure it’s the same old formula: a younger hero being taught by a real butt kicking veteran and the standard childish comic characters. But there are large space and ground battle sequences and as always the young newbie will become the big hero. If you look at it in context with the original, it’s the same formula for a "new" younger audience who wasn’t around when the original come out. Also it’s setting up the new live action movie being written by the guy who wrote The Empire Strikes Back.

So I give Macross Frontier an “A”.

Macross Frontier? You though I was talking about Star Wars. Yeah I gave up on that crappy franchise years ago. It’s all about big transforming robots and big eyed multi-colored hair girls. I can’t wait for the new live action movie.

So if you have seen it yet, check out a fan sub ep. 1.

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v14166672SmHZPTdf

They have most of the episode in streaming format with English Subtitles too.

Ghost Whisper – ever have the dream that a ghost is talking to you and wants your help in getting revenge for its tragic death. No? Well me neither but I want to let you know I’m better now.

America Airlines sucks ass… No really they suck ass… Fees for baggage check in on your first bag. I was on the f-ing tarmac of DFW for almost two hours waiting to leave the f-ing airport. Why the F did they board the plane if they knew we had to wait on the runway. F-you AA!!!!!

Tropic Thunder was kick ass… not kick ass comedy but kick ass making fun of Hollywood's super explosive filled slow motion summer blockbuster movies. So F-U Bruckheimer!

Go watch the Venture Brothers!!!! Great Show!!!!

Here’s some anger that has been missing from Angry Parent Review.

Olympics Rant Part 3

Inspired by the Olympics in China we decided to experience a little bit of Asia in America. Of course I'm talking about the Asian supermarket. Why not the local Chinese buffet? I already mentioned in an earlier blog Chinese foods in the States isn't like Chinese food in China. We went through the aisles and marveled at the flavor of foods from Asia that has come to America. While marveling at the live fish and crabs and the fact that all the people stocking shelves are Mexican we stumbled on the following.




That's right... it reads "Horny Goat Weed".

Horny Goat Weed!

Is this the "Ancient Chinese Secret" that is allowing them to win so many gold medals?

Horny Goat Weed!

Or is it, weed fertilized by horny goats? Talk about potent ganja.

Horny Goat Weed!

Is it cannabis that will make you horny as a goat instead of giving you the munchies?

And why are Chinese goats so horny or have to be made horny?

Horny Goat Weed!

This once and for all will prove that Asia is one F-ed up place. Or maybe there's a bunch of Chinese people laughing their ass off as they gave some white explorer Horny Goat Weed as a joke.

So now the Chinese Olympics will be synonymous with under aged athletes, under aged lip sinking girls and Horny Goat Weed.

Death in the Family

I have sad news in the APR clan.

We recently lost a beloved member yesterday.

We lost our pet beta fish River "Blue" Nguyen Kim (this isn't a joke my daughter actually named him River "Blue" Nguyen Kim).

It was a sad day because "Blue" gave so much to the family and asked for so little. Just a clean bowl and some food. Which makes him the cheapest and the lowest maintenance member of the APR clan.

I have no words that can truly express how we feel so I leave it up to Kansas and Will Ferrell's version of Dust in the Wind from the movie Old School.

I also would like to thank Pixar and Finding Nemo for providing a great explanation for why Blue's fish bowl was empty today. We told our girls that we felt sorry for Blue so we flushed him down the toilet to set him free.

You're my boy Blue!!!!!

No Spin Zone

APR is interrupting the Green and Olympics series of blogs with the following announcement.

APR is expanding to bring you a blog beyond the norm.

You will tell your kids that on 8/16/2008 something new was introduced that revolutionized blogging. Yes APR is not only changing his blog space but the whole blog sphere. My new blog invention is the "No Spin Zone". Which will take the spin out of the media.

How does the No Spin Zone work? Because of APR's unique unbiased view of the world APR will take the spin out of the media.

So here are some examples of the No Spin Zone's reporting that will become part of the APR blog.

McCain's "No Spin" pitch to become president -- Come on are you really going to vote for a black man? No really... I'm old and rich and do not represent the common man but a vote for Obama is a vote for a black man.

Obama's "No Spin" pitch to become president -- Yes I know you have issues voting for a black man but what about slavery and white man's guilt. If you vote for me, you will exercise your guilt about slavery.

The No Spin Zone works on everything.

The new Clone Wars Animated Series -- You freaking nerds can complain all you want but George Lucas will continue to rape your childhood memories as long as you continue to spend money on his crap.

Chinese under aged gymnast -- Yeah they were under aged but we're China so F-U!

So look for the "No Spin Zone" on the right hand side of the blog for future updates.

Going Green Part 3. HEROES

Who are the people you look up too? Who are your heroes?

From my last Green post one of mine was Will Rogers another was a great aerospace engineer name Ed Heinemann. (Ed who? Check out the following http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Heinemann)

Others that I know, Batman is their hero. As you can tell from the following Batman strip, we all know why… wink, wink. (He’s a rich millionaire can’t he afford separate beds? How about separate rooms because he lives in a f-ing mansion!)



A hero can be anyone (fictional or real). Sadly as more and more actors try to cash in on their fame and popularity by trying to sell crappy products and branding their image they feel they need to push a political and social agenda and make themselves out to be heroes.

I know the life of a super rich and famous actor can be hard with so much media attention. So they have to speak up about something to transcend their rich and famous lifestyle. Oh great actor of screen and stage, what wondrous knowledge can you past along to me your humble worshiper? Sadly they don’t really know or understand the crap coming out of their pie hole because most superstars are pretty stupid.

What level of IQ do you think most stars have? You know they are smart enough to realize that they will never trade their life for yours. But other than good looks, being related to someone famous or f-ing someone famous what else is there? What line of work would Charlie Sheen have if he didn’t look like Charlie Sheen and was the son of Martin Sheen? Can he do your job? Unless your job is flipping burgers at a fast food place than no. Can he handle being an economist, doctor, engineer or a scientist? Chances are no.

So actors and movie stars are just pretty people who are not that smart with little to no formal education.

So why would you take their advice let alone make them out to be visionary people on environmental issues? No really why would you? But look at the commercials and ads for the environmental movement. Hoop on board our bandwagon and be with these beautiful people. Look upon their godlike beauty and following their Green message.

Look at that actor, he drives a hybrid that he has shipped to every country he works in on his own personal jet. Look at that actress she bathes in her own urine to save water.

So if you’re like me and try to ignore the actors and politicians you find out you can’t get away from them because the media is always in your face about them, who they are f-ing and of course their message.

So next I take aim at the media.

Olympics Rant Part 2

USA! USA! USA!

One of the unintended consequences of the Olympics is phrases and stars associated with teams and athletes become part of office talk.

I hate having a meeting when the following conservations occur.

“Can you make your quarterly forecast?”

“Do you believe in miracles?”

Than everyone starts chanting USA! USA! USA!

Yeah that’s how I want to have my meeting go.

Or the ever popular references to Olympic athletes during work.

“We got a delay in getting our reports.”

“Maybe you should get Phelps to get for you. Man he’s so fast.”

Than everyone starts chanting USA! USA! USA!

On top of the Olympics references you also have to deal with the following personalities.

Mr. “Did you see what happen last night”.

OMG do you see Phelps last night? He was awesome! Man, the women’s gymnastics’ team choked on the floor exercise!

Mr. “Sports knowledge show-off”.

Man did you see that girl had her toe off and that’s a half point deduction. Swim times are better because of the high-tech swim suits and the depth of the pool.

Mr. “In my day”

In my day, swimmers had only Speedo’s and not these high-tech swimsuits.
In my day, only homo’s did male gymnastics.

And who can forget Mr. “I can do that”

Man that’s nothing I could squat 500 lbs.

So before you open your month know that you are all a-holes and no one cares about your Olympics references. In fact no one cares about you so shut the F-up!

Adsense won’t sponsor me!

Well it looks like the MAN has caught on to APR! Since they can’t stop me from writing, they decided to stop Adsense from sponsoring me. Yes as you can tell there are no more Adsense ads on my site.

I got a form letter telling me that Adsense has suspended my account. Why you might ask? Sadly I don’t know so I will just assume it’s the MAN trying to shut me down or Adsense not wanting to pay me the $30 that they owe me.

Sure I made some shocking statements about Al Gore, FDR, China, and Colonel Sanders and publicly mocked all politicians and the environmental movement. So you see why the MAN is worried.

APR will not be shut down by the MAN! APR will not be stopped for as long as I can type and have an internet connection APR will continue on. And if God, Budda, Allah, and Om is my witness, no matter how many sponsors leave, APR will continue to mock blogs, society and those who participate in them! No man, no country, and no corporation can ever silence APR!

Because…

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

Oh by the way, I interrupt “To Dream” from MAN OF LA MANCHA to introduce you to my new sponsor, Netklix.

Netklix’s ROCKS and is so much better than Adsense!!!!

Going Green Part 2 (F-ing Politicians)

Let me make this perfectly clear as I quote from Kanye West.

APR hates politicians!

I am an equal opportunity hater since I hate all politicians regardless of their color, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religion, and political affiliation.

The only reason I would vote for a candidate is if they said they would F-me up the ass, take all my money, take my job, put me in jail and admits to being a tool of every lobbyist that would give them money because that politician would be the first one who was actually truthful.

So when any politician talks about their energy policy or their environmental stance they are just spoon feeding you crap to get you to vote for them. As you give them your vote they will turn around and tell the exact opposite to the lobbyist to get money. I’m not even talking about Al F-ing Gore because I’ve devoted a whole blog telling him to shut his F-ing pie hole. No this vial and bitterness is aimed squarely at those still in office or who are trying to get into office.

Just like the Bush political crusade against terrorists the left needed their own crusade to get elected and that crusade is the environment. Similar to the Bush policy of labeling anyone who doubted his actions as anti-patriotic, the new Green crusade will label any doubter anti-earth. You’re either for us or against us and you need to pick sides. Of course the side they want you on is their side or they will label you as an eco-terrorist. As we go into the next election look for the Green crusade to take over politics. And after the election the first group to be disappointed will be the environmentalist when they realized that there is no “pot of green gold” at the end of the election just another politician who will spin why he can’t keep the promises he made to get your vote.

How best to tell us what to think than to have people who we look up too and respect tell us how to vote. And before you think I’m talking about scientist, economist or teachers, I’m really talking about actors.

So I take aim at actors next.

As I leave you I have some quotes from one of my heroes whose name is now synonymous with gay people having sex at any park named after him. Of course I’m talking about Will Rogers.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.

Rant on the Olympics (Part 1 of many)

So I take another break from mocking the green movement because did anyone see the Olympics last night?

USA! USA! USA!

I’m not a swimming fan but watching the 400 relay was just amazing.

Take that you freaking Frenchie! The stupidity of the French smack talk was only overshadowed by the stupidity of the announcers. I think during the relay one of the announcers pretty much said the French had won. But the announcers forgot that France really sucks and all they can do was fart in the American’s general direction.

Anyone watch basketball? It was like the Harlem Globe Trotters taking on the cheap Chinese versions of the Generals. There were so may dunks that I though the US team was sponsored by Dunkin’ Donuts.

USA! USA! USA!

Taking about the ching-chang-men, they will likely get more medals than the US but guess what? It will be made up of crappy Olympics sports. China won some medals in air-pistols. WTF is air-pistols? I keep thinking it’s the freaking carnival shooting gallery where you hit little metal ducks to win a stuffed animal. So if this is a real sport I’m starting the US air-pistol team and I will be recruiting at all the major country fairs schedule this fall.

My count of real sports medals shows USA – 39 vs. China – 2. I have to give some credit to the Chinese women’s weightlifting team for passing their steroid and gender test. You can’t tell if some of the female Chinese athletes aren’t men.

Also talking about freaking Chinese athletes, I know Asian women look young but should Chris Hansen do a “To Catch a Predator” on the Chinese government for their gymnastics team? I guess there might be a rise in Chinese mail order brides from the Texas polygamy compound after the Olympics since Texas took away their under aged white girls.

USA! USA! USA!

New fashion designer

I take a break from mocking the freaking green movement with the following announcement.

I think I have found the next great fashion designer. Sure she's young but I believe in her visionary talents.

Look out Paris, New York City, and Milan because this person will add Hillsboro, OR to the list and look out Prada, Anna Sui and Vivienne Tam because your place in fashion history is going to be challenged.

She will amaze you!




She will surprise you!



She will delight you!



And finally she will SHOCK YOU!



So look into the face of the future of fashion. I introduce you to AD! Next Top Fashion Designer!

Going Green Part 1 (Creationist and our school system)

Where do I start?

There are the F-tards granola, tree-hugging, hippies

There are the F-ing politicians

There are the Mother-F-ing smug actors

There are the F-ing media F-ers.

Please for the love of all that is holy no more!!!!

No More Carbon Neutral!
No More Living Green!
No More Green House Gases!
No More Global Warming!
No More Climate Change!

And please no more Al F-ing Gore!

All of you please shut the F-up, you Mother-F-er!!!!!

So before you dismiss me as one of those right-wing, anti-earth, big corporate, Chaney cronies I just want to say that the only political stance I have is I hate and mistrust all politicians, political parties, and anyone associated with any political parties.

I feel that I might just be the last person on earth who is truly neutral on this subject.

How do I know this Green movement is F-ed up? It’s because we are being spoon feed marketing BS by the media and big corporations are brainwashing us to buy anything that is Green or carbon neutral or organic or recycled (for a nice mark-up). You see, they couldn’t sell this stuff to traditional f-tards, granola, tree hugging, hippies because they have no money, but if they can get the media to buy into this fear mongering, they can get middle class f-tards too buy anything with a Green f-ing label.

Why APR is this happening?

1st let’s blame taking science out of education. Those G-Damn creationists have challenged scientific education in our school system so much that schools are afraid to teach anything dealing with science. Because of this, kids today are not smart enough to understand scientific deductive reasoning so that anyone like Al F-ing Gore can do a Power-Point presentation with neat graphs and pictures and get a Nobel Prize.

Let me make this point perfectly clear. After numerous years of testing and research, no one can explain how humans impact earth’s climate because no one really knows. Because of this, even if we were impacting earth’s climate we do not know how to change it back.

So let’s say we were impacting the earth’s climate with CO2. Does that mean if we magically stopped making CO2 the earth will revert back to some perfect time when there was no climate change?

No you f-tard!

There will always be climate change and who’s to say climate change isn’t part of how the earth works.

You environmentalist say climate change makes it harder to predict the weather. So I guess it was easier to predict the weather 10 years ago? Or maybe 20 or even 50 years ago? You’re saying because we can’t predict the weather we humans have somehow f-ed up the world? How about this… maybe we humans can’t f-ing predict the weather!!! Did you ever think of that? How many f-ing times have the weather man been wrong? Maybe the world is f-ing with our minds and God is playing with the thermostat and watching humans act like dumb-asses?

So if our schools actually taught kids deductive reasoning they might questions both the environmentalist and the anti-environmentalist and their reasoning and assumptions because both sides are taking inconclusive scientific research and making up their own conclusions, instead of looking at the facts and test results.

The first lesson is don’t trust anyone unless they can prove conclusively their point.

My point is our education system is f-ed up and releasing dumb f-tards into society. Can anyone prove me wrong on that point?

Next part is about those f-ing politicians.

Snack Foods

Guest blog by Andy the Uber Nguyen Kim.

I am so grateful Tino has allowed me to guest blog on his masterpiece. I mean, I would never have a blog myself, since it is something only dorks with a lot of free time actually do. Think about this – who actually blogs? I’ve concluded there are two categories of folks: people that are bored after playing online games and History majors who haven’t found a job yet because the history factory stopped hiring in 1492. So I get so stay cool (because it’s not my blog) and yet have a forum for spreading my wisdom. Hopefully, I won’t offend too many people and get a chance to guest blog regularly.

Since this is a food blog, I thought I’d comment on snack foods. I love snacking—growing up my parents would let us loose in the grocery store so my brother and I could find our “8 o’clock snack.” See, my parents weren’t exactly the healthiest eaters and they didn’t promote that organic crap. This is why I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol (additionally, I am blessed with other genetic faults such as being short, missing some teeth, having the same vertical leap as a pygmy hippo, and the same vision as Daredevil—I’m still waiting to discover my latent mutant superpower). I was a fat kid; I’ll admit it. I almost wore husky sized pants- I probably should have because I recall having many, many stomach aches from stuffing my gut into “regular” pants. There’s a lot of pride in being “regular” versus “husky.” I also never wanted to wear pants where my waist was bigger than the length (to this day, I wear a 32/32 even though 32 is a bit long for my inseam).

Back to snacking- I remember back then, there were just three types of potato chips: Sour Cream and Onion, Barbeque and Plain. (Incidentally, Pringles are not potato chips http://tristatehomepage.com/content/fulltext/?cid=17251) Now who developed these flavors? Seriously, sour cream and onion? Basically, this meant you would stink for hours. Was garlic and limburger cheese not available in the taste lab that day? And barbeque? I guess they came up with Barbeque because “Orange-colored” was not a flavor. And “Plain” was the codename for just plain salty. But they tasted soooo good. I remember licking the chips before eating them. Isn’t that what matters when eating food—taste?

So flash forward 20 or so years, and what has happened? The surgeon general has decided smoking, doing crack while pregnant, and excessive drinking are bad for us. AND he/she/it decided that potato chips must taste like starchy styrofoam. Why? Who knows—probably because whatever was in potato chips that made them taste sooo good caused cancer, bubonic plague, or the clap. But who cares? Everyone knows if it tastes good, it will kill you. If the government must, just put a big sticker on it: “The shit that makes this taste good might kill you.” Now we’re stuck with some organic potato chip made by some smug hippy in upstate New York. The thing tastes like cardboard (and not even salty cardboard!). Screw you hippy—I’m running you over in my SUV that gets 12 miles to the gallon. I’m going to drive with the air conditioning on and the windows down. Global warming is a figment of Al Gore’s imagination.

I say bring back the good taste and let us at it. Eventually, people that could survive the bad stuff in potato chips would continue to live and the weak would die (I count myself as a likely candidate for the weak group)—but society as a whole would get stronger and adapt. I believe Darwin called this natural selection. Everyone wins with more transfats and preservatives. Give us the tasty stuff. While we’re on natural selection, let’s remove the “no diving” signs on shallow pools and the sign that tells you not to stick your hands near moving lawnmower blades.

Hot Pot N Sushi

So during last Thanksgiving my brother-in-law the Uber Nguyen Kim himself spotted a restaurant in a strip mall with a name so intriguing that he couldn’t stop talking about it.

That restaurant’s name was Hot Pot N Sushi.

His fascination and curiosity was only heighten as we found out the restaurant was only under construction. So all he could talk about was what culinary genius would try to combine two diametrically opposite types of food preparations styles. Our imaginations exploded with though of Iron Chef style kitchen stadiums combined with the old school noodle shops on the street corner of Japan. We had so many ideas that could only be explained if only we could enter and sample their delicacies.

So come with me as I take you on a tour of the wonders that awaits you as you enter the 9th Wonder of the World known as Hot Pot N Sushi.

As we open the tinted doors we were open to a new world of sights, sounds, smells and flavors of… of…

of a F-ing conveyor belt food delivery system that combines Japanese foods with Henry Ford’s assembly line.

WTF…

The mystery that was Hot Pot N Sushi was a throwback to the 30’s conveyor dinners where food was sent out from the kitchen and the dinners would pick what they wanted. Each plate is color coded for how much the portions are worth. In addition you can order noodles to be delivered to you.

What about the hot pot? Is there some fancy high tech water delivery system that will allow customized cooking of raw food? Well if you want hot pot, you will have to sit at separate tables with burners built into the center of the tables. So you and your friends can order hot pot on the side.

Like the Wizard of Oz, Hot Pot N Sushi is all smoke and mirrors playing on curiosity to bring in customers. It’s like Dorothy opening the curtains and finding a Mexican sushi chef. So after the novelty wares off there isn’t much to make us want to come back.

But I do have to give the place props for allowing us to feed our kids with other restaurants foods and at least keeping the girls entertained.

So I give it a B.

That’s it?

WTF…

This is the Worst Blog EVER!!!

No crazy comments, no obscure references, no edginess and no anger!

APR you SUCK!

Well you want action? You want edginess? You want X-treme! I give you…

Bitch Slap the Movie!!!!!



You got action, explosions, guns, katana’s, super slow mo, hot babes, Japanese school girl outfits, boobies, and lesbians… Hot lesbians shooting guns, and fighting, and getting wet and making out is SUPER SLOW-MO. LESBIANS!!!!!

I have no idea what this movie is about but this is the greatest movie trailer ever!!!!

Sadly like Hot Pot N Sushi, we will see the movie and realize that it was nothing more than some cheap Skin-na-max movie for horny teenage boys who haven’t discovered internet porn yet.

APR out!!!!

I am the GREATEST!

I am re-inventing and evolving the APR web blog to not only mock my bro but to mock the blog-sphere!!!

For you see I am the GREATEST! Yes I said it! I am GREATEST Blogger in the world! I am the People's Blog Champion and pound for pound the most profound, edgy, and innovative blogger in the world! I challenge anyone to take the title from me on a blog-off.

APR spews forth ideas, images and concepts like bullets from an AK-47 all over the internet. APR is so edgy that it will take future generations to understand APR’s words. But like yin and yang, ebony and ivory, East Coast and West Coast Rap, APR’s writing is both complex and simple so it can be more to everyone and little to no one.

APR’s writing will dance across you screens and pound your senses to the most fulfilling eye-gasm you will ever receive. For APR will take you to the highest levels of pleasure that your mind will ever be taken.

How can APR say he’s the best when no one goes to his site? APR doesn’t need the web hits to prove he’s the best because APR know it’s content that makes him the best and APR doesn’t need some web site full of links to other webs sites like a spider web maze where the information will always be one click away. APR makes his own content and will always bring forth fresh and new concepts, ideas, and stories to entertain, shock, inform, and teach the masses. Sure the numbers of readers are small but APR wants to keep it personal. Just like JC and the 12, APR keeps it real and keeps his content personal.

How can APR say he’s the best when the media doesn’t recognize his greatest? APR is not a media whore! APR is his own man and doesn’t need validation from the media!

So who is the GREATEST? APR is the GREATEST!!!!!

Pho Part #3: Lower Your Standards!

Now for the third and final part of my first pho review.

From Pho Part II, Attack of the Owner, I was annoyed with the owner’s lack of any business sense. Believe me, I know bad business sense, because my dad personally ran 3 businesses into the ground along with coming up with New Coke, the Edsel, and Betamax. So I can smell the stench of failure emanating from the owner, which made me homesick for my parents laundromat.

Before I can give my review, there are two brilliant ideas the owner came up that will need mocking; 1) the business name and 2) the business slogan.

I will not give you the name of the place since I still eat there and don’t feel like getting poisoned but I can tell you the name breaks with the tradition of actually having pho in the name, like Pho 666, Pho Beaverton, or maybe something catchy like Pho-U. This is confusing since every pho restaurant that serves pho has pho in the name (damn Vietnamese product marketing). The name of this place will make you think it’s a cheap knock-off of Starbucks. So the only way you might think this place serves pho is to know that pho is associated with Vietnamese food because his slogan states, “Savory Vietnamese food”.

This brings me to my point of lowering your standards.

Three words to live by if you don’t want to be disappointed “Lower Your Standards”. Aim for the bare minimal and anything above the curve is gravy. Happiness can be easily obtained if your goals and standards are low.

So what type of expectations would you have if you know you will obtain “savory Vietnamese food”?

1. You will get food
2. It will be Vietnamese food
3. It will be savory Vietnamese food

So the first two is expected in any Vietnamese restaurant you enter. “Savory” is actually an adjective meaning “pleasing to the sense of taste”. So you’re expecting food that tastes good.

Well I hate to shock anyone but don’t we expect food to taste good? Especially if you paid money for it!

Isn’t good tasting food and having a wait staff with 15 pieces of flair the bare minimal of the customer experience?

Since I am not a food critic in any way, shape or form, I will base my review on the three criteria of this establishment’s slogan.

1. Did I get food? Yes
2. Did I get Vietnamese food? Yes
3. Did the food taste good? Yes

Yes, there is truth in advertising, which puts this restaurant in the majority of restaurants in the world. Remember they didn’t advertise the world’s best pho or the best service or even a clean bathroom. They advertised good tasting Vietnamese food, so I give the restaurant an A for truth in advertising and adequately preparing the customer by lowering the customer’s expectations.

But this will not guarantee business success or even happiness to the owner. Because he only did 2 out of the 3 words necessary to find true happiness. He lowered your expectations; he didn’t lower your standards, because some people have higher standards than good tasting Vietnamese food and might want more from a restaurant. This is evident in the fact that after a year in operation the place is pretty empty every time we eat there.

So if you want food, that is Vietnamese in origin, and taste good, you can email me (anguyenk@gmail.com) and I will give you the name and address.