Amazon

We take a break today from my pho review to introduce you to my new sponsor, Amazon. If you haven’t noticed there are two new items on the right hand side of my blog courtesy of Amazon.

So in honor of Amazon I will do a review of The Fortune Cookie Chronicles by Jennifer 8 Lee.

Whore! Whore!

Oh by the way, I would also like to introduce you to the Tourettes Syndrome girl from the comedic classic Deuce Bigalow. You don’t remember the all time box office sales champion staring Rob Schneider and Eddie Griffin which won numerous awards including 8 Academy Awards and a Peabody? Well you can go to Amazon and buy it for the low, low price of $11.99.

Ball Hair! Ball Hair!

So you’re asking why I have included the Tourettes Syndrome girl on my blog. Well if you must know, this blog isn’t serious and should never be taken seriously so she’s here to interject colorful reminders to me if I attempt anything resembling journalism.

Fart! Ball Licker!

Also my editor has refused to help me edit this blog entry because she feels that I am acting like a man-whore to Amazon.

Whore! Whore!

So back to my review of The Fortune Cookie Chronicles by Jennifer 8 Lee.

I would give her an A for effort for doing the research, going to these Chinese restaurants and actually eating some of the food. On literature I would not know or care, since I am not an English professor or literate. This book didn’t have pictures so I can only guess what was written.

Therefore, my review is not on the literary impact of this book on modern culture or based on any grammatical, writing, or journalistic approach. It will be based solely on fun tidbits that I find amusing, when my daughter read the book to me.

Things I found out:

• Most Chinese food in America is not Chinese food found in China. In fact, most Chinese people in China do not eat this food. Several ingredients like broccoli were never grown in mainland China until recently.
• Dishes like General Tao Chicken do not exist in China. In fact, if you go to the area where the real General Tao was from, the dish would likely be called General Tao’s Dog. I’m not talking his pet either. They really eat f-ing dog in China.
• Most cooks in Chinese restaurants are Mexican
• Fortune cookies originally came from Japan not China.

What… What… What!!!!

You’re asking yourself WTF… You mean fortune cookies are not Chinese but Japanese in origin?

Yes, little Chum Li there is no Santa Claus and China didn’t invent fortune cookies. And get this; Confucius didn’t write fortune cookie sayings either, he was some ancient Chinese philosopher in the 5th century BC (Before Cookies). Currently the job of writing America fortunes is outsourced to Koreans. Well at least it’s not Mexicans.

So how did China pull the fast one over us Americans? Well before you start burning pictures of Mao in effigy, this all came about by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

FDR doesn’t like Yellow People!

Okay let me make this perfectly clear, it can’t be proven that FDR was a raciest but he didn’t like Japanese-Americans. Okay that can’t be proven either but he did look the other way when whitey took all the property, businesses, and possessions from Japanese-American’s in World War II.

So FDR decided to pull the good old tried and true land grab that the government did to the Red Men on another minority. But which minority can he pick? He couldn’t target Jews because Hitler beat him to that. He couldn’t target the Black Man either because they haven’t taken over sports yet. So FDR decided to target Japanese-Americans. Just like the Red Man, Japanese-Americans had their land and businesses taken away and were shipped off to the desert. But lucky for the Japanese-America they were immune to TB from the blankets the government gave them or they would all be dead now.

To find out more about this, check out Just America by Robert Asahina which provides good background into the political, social and racial reasons for Japanese American internment during WW II.

Whore! Ball Sweat!

Just American’s tells the story of the segregated Japanese-American combat unit that fought in WW II. They were under supplied and under equiped but kicked major Master Race Nazi A$$. There was a story of how the Texas “Queer’s and Steer’s” division lead by Major McDumbass (a graduate from UT) got lost and surrounded by Nazi’s in the winter of 1944. The Japanese-America division was sent it with no real supplies or winter gear to save the lost Texans. On the way to save the same white people who likely stole their land and businesses they proceed to take all their aggression out on any white person they saw. Lucky for them the white people were German. One solider (we will call him little Rambo-san) personally killed 78 Germans (3 with his bare hands and one German beaten to death with the balls of steel from Rambo-san) before a tank blew off Rambo-san’s legs. He proceeded to attack the tank with his teeth before finally being run over. To add insult to injury, a major “White Washing” of the rescue was done for the media, in which the Japanese-American soldiers who survived were told to play dead for a photo-op when an all white unit finally decided to show up.

What about the Chinaman? Due to the fact that whitey can’t differentiate Asians apart, Chinese workers took over some Japanese businesses. One of which was making fortune cookies, which is why fortune cookies are considered Chinese.

Hopefully you like my review…

Whore! Whore!