Amazon

We take a break today from my pho review to introduce you to my new sponsor, Amazon. If you haven’t noticed there are two new items on the right hand side of my blog courtesy of Amazon.

So in honor of Amazon I will do a review of The Fortune Cookie Chronicles by Jennifer 8 Lee.

Whore! Whore!

Oh by the way, I would also like to introduce you to the Tourettes Syndrome girl from the comedic classic Deuce Bigalow. You don’t remember the all time box office sales champion staring Rob Schneider and Eddie Griffin which won numerous awards including 8 Academy Awards and a Peabody? Well you can go to Amazon and buy it for the low, low price of $11.99.

Ball Hair! Ball Hair!

So you’re asking why I have included the Tourettes Syndrome girl on my blog. Well if you must know, this blog isn’t serious and should never be taken seriously so she’s here to interject colorful reminders to me if I attempt anything resembling journalism.

Fart! Ball Licker!

Also my editor has refused to help me edit this blog entry because she feels that I am acting like a man-whore to Amazon.

Whore! Whore!

So back to my review of The Fortune Cookie Chronicles by Jennifer 8 Lee.

I would give her an A for effort for doing the research, going to these Chinese restaurants and actually eating some of the food. On literature I would not know or care, since I am not an English professor or literate. This book didn’t have pictures so I can only guess what was written.

Therefore, my review is not on the literary impact of this book on modern culture or based on any grammatical, writing, or journalistic approach. It will be based solely on fun tidbits that I find amusing, when my daughter read the book to me.

Things I found out:

• Most Chinese food in America is not Chinese food found in China. In fact, most Chinese people in China do not eat this food. Several ingredients like broccoli were never grown in mainland China until recently.
• Dishes like General Tao Chicken do not exist in China. In fact, if you go to the area where the real General Tao was from, the dish would likely be called General Tao’s Dog. I’m not talking his pet either. They really eat f-ing dog in China.
• Most cooks in Chinese restaurants are Mexican
• Fortune cookies originally came from Japan not China.

What… What… What!!!!

You’re asking yourself WTF… You mean fortune cookies are not Chinese but Japanese in origin?

Yes, little Chum Li there is no Santa Claus and China didn’t invent fortune cookies. And get this; Confucius didn’t write fortune cookie sayings either, he was some ancient Chinese philosopher in the 5th century BC (Before Cookies). Currently the job of writing America fortunes is outsourced to Koreans. Well at least it’s not Mexicans.

So how did China pull the fast one over us Americans? Well before you start burning pictures of Mao in effigy, this all came about by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

FDR doesn’t like Yellow People!

Okay let me make this perfectly clear, it can’t be proven that FDR was a raciest but he didn’t like Japanese-Americans. Okay that can’t be proven either but he did look the other way when whitey took all the property, businesses, and possessions from Japanese-American’s in World War II.

So FDR decided to pull the good old tried and true land grab that the government did to the Red Men on another minority. But which minority can he pick? He couldn’t target Jews because Hitler beat him to that. He couldn’t target the Black Man either because they haven’t taken over sports yet. So FDR decided to target Japanese-Americans. Just like the Red Man, Japanese-Americans had their land and businesses taken away and were shipped off to the desert. But lucky for the Japanese-America they were immune to TB from the blankets the government gave them or they would all be dead now.

To find out more about this, check out Just America by Robert Asahina which provides good background into the political, social and racial reasons for Japanese American internment during WW II.

Whore! Ball Sweat!

Just American’s tells the story of the segregated Japanese-American combat unit that fought in WW II. They were under supplied and under equiped but kicked major Master Race Nazi A$$. There was a story of how the Texas “Queer’s and Steer’s” division lead by Major McDumbass (a graduate from UT) got lost and surrounded by Nazi’s in the winter of 1944. The Japanese-America division was sent it with no real supplies or winter gear to save the lost Texans. On the way to save the same white people who likely stole their land and businesses they proceed to take all their aggression out on any white person they saw. Lucky for them the white people were German. One solider (we will call him little Rambo-san) personally killed 78 Germans (3 with his bare hands and one German beaten to death with the balls of steel from Rambo-san) before a tank blew off Rambo-san’s legs. He proceeded to attack the tank with his teeth before finally being run over. To add insult to injury, a major “White Washing” of the rescue was done for the media, in which the Japanese-American soldiers who survived were told to play dead for a photo-op when an all white unit finally decided to show up.

What about the Chinaman? Due to the fact that whitey can’t differentiate Asians apart, Chinese workers took over some Japanese businesses. One of which was making fortune cookies, which is why fortune cookies are considered Chinese.

Hopefully you like my review…

Whore! Whore!

Pho Review Part 2

Where was I?

Oh yeah “No Money, No Honey”

One of the first rules in fine dinning is to avoid families with small kids. Sadly, if the kids belong to you, chances are you cannot sit them at someone else’s table. Since 47 out of 50 states (stay classy: Mississippi, North Dakota and Alaska) makes it illegal to leave kids in the car when you go to eat, you will need to take them in with you.

One of the reasons we eat at the pho restaurant in Beaverton (beaver… he… he… he) is because they put us far away from other customers so I won’t have to worry about dirty looks from the people around me. Because of this, we can enjoy yelling at our kids without the watchful judging eyes of concerned people. Also it lessens the chances that someone will call Child Protective Services on us too (again).

So we first stumbled upon this place looking for a Vietnamese sandwich shop and guess what we found? Sadly it wasn’t a sandwich shop; it was a mid-level pho/coffee/pre-packaged dessert restaurant. Lucky for us the owner was there and we were the only customers. After a little small talk and me trying to understand his business model the guy starts trying to one up me by telling me how much money he made and how much money he’s spending on the business and then he mentioned his Japanese tennis partner who looks like my wife but younger and taller. WTF was that about? You own a F-ing pho restaurant so that really isn’t something to be proud of unless you just came to America. Also if you were banging your “tennis partner” why wouldn’t you say you had a girlfriend instead of “tennis partner”? I’m thinking you’re delusional and likely a stalker.

Also pho restaurants are not high end, they are low end. Roaches, stains on the wall, dirty silverware, and an old man who can’t speak English watching a badly copied VHS of Paris by Night 75 (Reno Edition) are all part of the ambiance. But instead of going high end (Rich white people market) you decided to go way off course and go for mid-level pho. You’ve made a freakish multi-crap filled Frankenstein restaurant with a painting of the Eiffel Tower and French music in the background, decorated with shopping mall furniture and plastic plants from Garden Ridge and Hobby Lobby. So, besides the crappy décor how will you distinguish yourself from the other restaurants in the area? Why you serve coffee. Big F-ing deal, so does every other pho restaurant in the world. But you have fancy “gourmet” coffee. Well I hate to tell you this but so does everyone else in the Pacific NW and did you not see three Starbucks less than a block away from your store. Don’t get me started on your desserts from F-ing Costco too.

Lucky for the owner I haven’t talked to him since.

To Be Continued….

Erotic Vietnamese Noodle Shop

So apparently people at work do not consider me Asian or even Vietnamese and I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that we live in a Utopian society where people see beyond my skin tone or maybe it’s because I work with stupid people. Either way I didn’t know if I should feel offended when they want to take me out to this exotic (or maybe erotic) Vietnamese noodle shop that serves Pho or as whitey pronounces “faux” (Vietnamese call it “fuh?”). So make sure when you say it you make it sound like a question.

Like “what the fuh?”

So I decided to do my review of some local Pho restaurants.

Sorry I keep thinking of Erotic Vietnamese Noodle Shop and seeing my mom as the madam saying the following…

“No Money! No Honey!”

Ah F-it...

I can’t think about Pho since the only thing running through my head is Vietnamese quotes from movies

“Me love you long time”

“No boom boom soul brother”

“No Alabama black snake”

“Me no VC”

"DEE DEE MOW!"

Sadly to the Western World, Vietnam represents poor English, whores, pimps, the American guilt of the Vietnam War and the f-ing foreign kid who can spell freedom. Actually I think that kid was Cambodian but to American’s we all look the same.

Here’s how I spell freedom “F U” you mother F-ers……


Moderator: We’re sorry for the views and language of the “Angry Parent”. If you want to see real reviews of Pho restaurants in Boston please go to http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/

As always the views express by “Angry Parent” are his own and not associated with blogspot.

Angry Parent Restaurant Review

This blog is dedicated to my brother, who like a 15 year old on myspace, has started his own blog but he’s like almost 30 and not trolling for underage kids. So I don’t really know why he’s doing it but I decided to mock him with this blog. Kind of like TuPac and Biggie if they had blogs and without the uplifting social commentary on the African-American culture that those two inspired with their music.

Here’s his blog http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/ and let me tell you it sucks so please help him out and give him some pointers. Especially you 15 year old myspace kids, who have millions of people who read your entries religiously on what you IM’ed you BFF yesterday, because he needs friends.

Remember http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/ and you can link to http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/ as well to tell your friends how crappy the site is.

So here’s my Restaurant Review to counter his…

Popeye’s

What can I say… there are many ways to describe the dinning experience eating at Popeye’s, but the best review was from the Adam Sandler movie “Little Nicky”.

Popeye's chicken is f-in' awesome!

Don’t mistake my review of Popeye’s for a review of “Little Nicky”, because “Little Nicky” was a crap-fest. I mean what the F was Adam Sandler thinking? Sure he was swimming in money and likely had his balls gold plated at the time because of the chafing from studio executives kissing them but WTF was that movie. It was pure crap and the only redeeming value was Popeye’s deciding to pay for some product placement.

So back to Popeye’s… And why their chicken is awesome.

1) Its spicy. Not crazy N-word spicy or Indian pepper of death spicy but more like a Cajun spicy and that’s better than Whitey spicy any day. Yeah I’m looking at you Col. F-ing Sanders. I guess one of the 7 secret ingredient is crap.

You see Col., when white slave owners like yourself stole fried chicken from the brothers, you couldn’t handle the spicy flavors so you took it out. Just like when you stole rock n’ roll, you took out the hardcore gangster lyrics.

So Popeye’s added it back and it’s awesome. Taking a bite of their chicken takes me back to living in the delta listen to Zydeco and thinking of my pa who was eaten by an alligator. And that’s something you can’t steal from me Col. Whitey Sanders!!!

2) Its cheap. Okay let me say the political correct term is “value rich”. Because 89 cent two piece special on Tuesday along with 15 piece special at the gas station Popeye’s for $8 can’t be beat. When I order the two pieces 89 cent special I’m telling people I’m “value rich”. That’s almost as good as “money rich”.

Also with being “value rich” you know the clientele are poor (monetary funds lacking) working folk who need “value rich” food so that they can continue to work and not uptight fancy elitist who will give me a dirty eye as I set down with my girls. I can take my kids to Popeye’s and not get the critical look from other people about why I can’t control my kids. We all know the look… it’s the look of the person frantically searching for any open seat on the plane when they realized that they aren’t sitting with the hottie, but the family of 4 with kids that will scream all through the 5 hour flight. I mean it’s a free F-ing country and I’m sorry I have to keep asking my daughter if she pooped because we’re potty training her and poop talk might disturbed your fancy meal. And God forbid if we spill a drink. These are little kids and accidents happen! I see how you’re looking and judging me and my parenting skills. AND I’M THE BAD PERSON NOW JUST BECAUSE I SEE YOU LOOKING AT ME AND I CALL YOU OUT. WHY DON’T YOU MAN UP AND COME OVER HERE AND TELL ME STRAIGHT TO MY FACE HOW BAD A PARENT I AM!!! OH, OH, I SEE I’M THE A-HOLE NOW MAKING THE DISTURBANCE. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR FOOD YOU A-HOLE.

FINE CALL THE F-ING POLICE SO THAT MY GIRLS CAN SEE THEIR DADDY TAKEN AWAY IN HAND CUFFS. I SEE YOU OVER THERE WITH YOUR CELL PHONE TOO. YOU RECORDING THIS FOR THE INTERNET. I GOT SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET. F-YOU! F-YOUTUBE! F-ALL YOU MOTHER F-ERS WHO ARE JUDGING ME AND HOW I RAISE MY KIDS!!!!

And that’s why daddy can’t ever eat at Bennigan’s again.

But at Popeye’s we have a fine time sitting next to a family of 20 trying to eat because they are on their way north to find jobs or maybe it’s the first of the month and the family gets a treat. So when my girl spills her drink, no one notices especially when I have the water cup filled with soda.

Where was I? Oh yeah Popeye’s is Awesome.

3) There is no three because you should already be there eating some chicken and having a good old “value rich” time.