Random rants at the Airport #3

Yes another work week on travel for APR.

So here are some random rants at the airport

I am reminded of Terry Pratchett’s quote on airports.

AIRPORTS: A place where people hurry up and wait.

This is what it’s like for me. I’m in a hurry to get to the airport to wait at check-in. I hurry through security to wait at the gate. I hurry to get on the plane so that I can wait in my seat. I hurry to get off the plane to wait at the baggage claim.

And all this hoping there aren’t any delays.

I feel that the guy behind me at security is always in a hurry and for some reason I’m the cause of all his delays. No you stupid F, the reason you're late is because the whole airline industry is f-ed up so stop giving me the dirty eye and calm the F-down. You F-ing A-hole.

Chinese Baby Food
So it looks like Chinese companies are selling baby food that had the same poisons that was in dog and cat food they were selling to the States last year. It’s a sad story but you know what will happen to the executives of these Chinese companies. Well it won’t be anything like the golden parachutes US executives get for running their companies into the ground and costing tax payers billions. Oh no they get shot in the head. Maybe we can do this in the US as well.

Sadly APR has to put on APR’s economics/business hat and give you 2 reasons why this isn’t a good idea in the States.

1. China has always had this policy and it hasn’t really worked.
2. This system will be abused by mid-level corporate managers who will use it to get a promotion.

APR knows 95% of mid level managers who would gladly setup their boss to get executed if it meant a promotion. Why only 95%? That’s because the other 5% never made it through business school.

Thank the Gods for cheap food
As the markets are crashing and fuel cost keeps going up, APR points to the only important economic indicator and wants everyone to calm the F-down.

Yes, please calm the F-down people and get back to work. Previously APR introduced the Arby’s economic indicator, and today APR will like to notify the world that the economic crisis isn’t as bad as you might think.

Because in the US, as unemployment rises, as more people are homeless, and inflation keeps going up, there is one item that has always remained relatively cheap.

What is this one item? APR has been told that no life on earth can exist without this one necessity. That necessity is food.

Yes FOOD!!!!! So before people start throwing themselves out of windows, think for one minute on if can you go down to the local fast food place and pick up some food? If you answered yes, you are in the top 75% of people on the planet that have that luxury.

And even as the financial markets are cashing down upon us, the extra value meals at McDonalds, Berger King, and Wendy’s haven’t gone up in the past 5 years, because it’s still $1 or less.

This is why people want to come to the US, because the US has the largest amount of homeless and unemployed people that are obese. You might not have a job or home but there is food here in abundance for the cheap.

What makes a good airport restaurant

What, what, what... an actual restaurant review.

How long has it been?

Well it's not really a review just an observation so shut your pie hole.

Anyway, what makes a good airport restaurant?

APR has two criteria for a good airport restaurant.

1. Make sure the food doesn't give you diarrhea.

2. Make sure the place has alcohol.

The diarrhea is self explanatory. In fact, the second it really the most important part.

Because if you're expecting a 5 star dinning experience at the airport you're an idiot. The airport restaurant is to give you a carb-load to get you through your flight without giving you the runs.

The alcohol is to allow you to deal with the crap that is flying in the US post 9/11. But make sure it's shots or mixed drinks because you don't want to get the flight hags on your ass because you took a piss in their galley. Why the F would they care if I piss in the galley. They don't have food there anymore. F-ing fligh hags!!!

So APR says carb-load and get lit!!!!

Except you Mr. Airplane flying man, oh you're not flying my plane... cool let me buy you another drink.

Snack Foods

Guest blog by Andy the Uber Nguyen Kim.

I am so grateful Tino has allowed me to guest blog on his masterpiece. I mean, I would never have a blog myself, since it is something only dorks with a lot of free time actually do. Think about this – who actually blogs? I’ve concluded there are two categories of folks: people that are bored after playing online games and History majors who haven’t found a job yet because the history factory stopped hiring in 1492. So I get so stay cool (because it’s not my blog) and yet have a forum for spreading my wisdom. Hopefully, I won’t offend too many people and get a chance to guest blog regularly.

Since this is a food blog, I thought I’d comment on snack foods. I love snacking—growing up my parents would let us loose in the grocery store so my brother and I could find our “8 o’clock snack.” See, my parents weren’t exactly the healthiest eaters and they didn’t promote that organic crap. This is why I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol (additionally, I am blessed with other genetic faults such as being short, missing some teeth, having the same vertical leap as a pygmy hippo, and the same vision as Daredevil—I’m still waiting to discover my latent mutant superpower). I was a fat kid; I’ll admit it. I almost wore husky sized pants- I probably should have because I recall having many, many stomach aches from stuffing my gut into “regular” pants. There’s a lot of pride in being “regular” versus “husky.” I also never wanted to wear pants where my waist was bigger than the length (to this day, I wear a 32/32 even though 32 is a bit long for my inseam).

Back to snacking- I remember back then, there were just three types of potato chips: Sour Cream and Onion, Barbeque and Plain. (Incidentally, Pringles are not potato chips http://tristatehomepage.com/content/fulltext/?cid=17251) Now who developed these flavors? Seriously, sour cream and onion? Basically, this meant you would stink for hours. Was garlic and limburger cheese not available in the taste lab that day? And barbeque? I guess they came up with Barbeque because “Orange-colored” was not a flavor. And “Plain” was the codename for just plain salty. But they tasted soooo good. I remember licking the chips before eating them. Isn’t that what matters when eating food—taste?

So flash forward 20 or so years, and what has happened? The surgeon general has decided smoking, doing crack while pregnant, and excessive drinking are bad for us. AND he/she/it decided that potato chips must taste like starchy styrofoam. Why? Who knows—probably because whatever was in potato chips that made them taste sooo good caused cancer, bubonic plague, or the clap. But who cares? Everyone knows if it tastes good, it will kill you. If the government must, just put a big sticker on it: “The shit that makes this taste good might kill you.” Now we’re stuck with some organic potato chip made by some smug hippy in upstate New York. The thing tastes like cardboard (and not even salty cardboard!). Screw you hippy—I’m running you over in my SUV that gets 12 miles to the gallon. I’m going to drive with the air conditioning on and the windows down. Global warming is a figment of Al Gore’s imagination.

I say bring back the good taste and let us at it. Eventually, people that could survive the bad stuff in potato chips would continue to live and the weak would die (I count myself as a likely candidate for the weak group)—but society as a whole would get stronger and adapt. I believe Darwin called this natural selection. Everyone wins with more transfats and preservatives. Give us the tasty stuff. While we’re on natural selection, let’s remove the “no diving” signs on shallow pools and the sign that tells you not to stick your hands near moving lawnmower blades.

Hot Pot N Sushi

So during last Thanksgiving my brother-in-law the Uber Nguyen Kim himself spotted a restaurant in a strip mall with a name so intriguing that he couldn’t stop talking about it.

That restaurant’s name was Hot Pot N Sushi.

His fascination and curiosity was only heighten as we found out the restaurant was only under construction. So all he could talk about was what culinary genius would try to combine two diametrically opposite types of food preparations styles. Our imaginations exploded with though of Iron Chef style kitchen stadiums combined with the old school noodle shops on the street corner of Japan. We had so many ideas that could only be explained if only we could enter and sample their delicacies.

So come with me as I take you on a tour of the wonders that awaits you as you enter the 9th Wonder of the World known as Hot Pot N Sushi.

As we open the tinted doors we were open to a new world of sights, sounds, smells and flavors of… of…

of a F-ing conveyor belt food delivery system that combines Japanese foods with Henry Ford’s assembly line.

WTF…

The mystery that was Hot Pot N Sushi was a throwback to the 30’s conveyor dinners where food was sent out from the kitchen and the dinners would pick what they wanted. Each plate is color coded for how much the portions are worth. In addition you can order noodles to be delivered to you.

What about the hot pot? Is there some fancy high tech water delivery system that will allow customized cooking of raw food? Well if you want hot pot, you will have to sit at separate tables with burners built into the center of the tables. So you and your friends can order hot pot on the side.

Like the Wizard of Oz, Hot Pot N Sushi is all smoke and mirrors playing on curiosity to bring in customers. It’s like Dorothy opening the curtains and finding a Mexican sushi chef. So after the novelty wares off there isn’t much to make us want to come back.

But I do have to give the place props for allowing us to feed our kids with other restaurants foods and at least keeping the girls entertained.

So I give it a B.

That’s it?

WTF…

This is the Worst Blog EVER!!!

No crazy comments, no obscure references, no edginess and no anger!

APR you SUCK!

Well you want action? You want edginess? You want X-treme! I give you…

Bitch Slap the Movie!!!!!



You got action, explosions, guns, katana’s, super slow mo, hot babes, Japanese school girl outfits, boobies, and lesbians… Hot lesbians shooting guns, and fighting, and getting wet and making out is SUPER SLOW-MO. LESBIANS!!!!!

I have no idea what this movie is about but this is the greatest movie trailer ever!!!!

Sadly like Hot Pot N Sushi, we will see the movie and realize that it was nothing more than some cheap Skin-na-max movie for horny teenage boys who haven’t discovered internet porn yet.

APR out!!!!

Pho Part #3: Lower Your Standards!

Now for the third and final part of my first pho review.

From Pho Part II, Attack of the Owner, I was annoyed with the owner’s lack of any business sense. Believe me, I know bad business sense, because my dad personally ran 3 businesses into the ground along with coming up with New Coke, the Edsel, and Betamax. So I can smell the stench of failure emanating from the owner, which made me homesick for my parents laundromat.

Before I can give my review, there are two brilliant ideas the owner came up that will need mocking; 1) the business name and 2) the business slogan.

I will not give you the name of the place since I still eat there and don’t feel like getting poisoned but I can tell you the name breaks with the tradition of actually having pho in the name, like Pho 666, Pho Beaverton, or maybe something catchy like Pho-U. This is confusing since every pho restaurant that serves pho has pho in the name (damn Vietnamese product marketing). The name of this place will make you think it’s a cheap knock-off of Starbucks. So the only way you might think this place serves pho is to know that pho is associated with Vietnamese food because his slogan states, “Savory Vietnamese food”.

This brings me to my point of lowering your standards.

Three words to live by if you don’t want to be disappointed “Lower Your Standards”. Aim for the bare minimal and anything above the curve is gravy. Happiness can be easily obtained if your goals and standards are low.

So what type of expectations would you have if you know you will obtain “savory Vietnamese food”?

1. You will get food
2. It will be Vietnamese food
3. It will be savory Vietnamese food

So the first two is expected in any Vietnamese restaurant you enter. “Savory” is actually an adjective meaning “pleasing to the sense of taste”. So you’re expecting food that tastes good.

Well I hate to shock anyone but don’t we expect food to taste good? Especially if you paid money for it!

Isn’t good tasting food and having a wait staff with 15 pieces of flair the bare minimal of the customer experience?

Since I am not a food critic in any way, shape or form, I will base my review on the three criteria of this establishment’s slogan.

1. Did I get food? Yes
2. Did I get Vietnamese food? Yes
3. Did the food taste good? Yes

Yes, there is truth in advertising, which puts this restaurant in the majority of restaurants in the world. Remember they didn’t advertise the world’s best pho or the best service or even a clean bathroom. They advertised good tasting Vietnamese food, so I give the restaurant an A for truth in advertising and adequately preparing the customer by lowering the customer’s expectations.

But this will not guarantee business success or even happiness to the owner. Because he only did 2 out of the 3 words necessary to find true happiness. He lowered your expectations; he didn’t lower your standards, because some people have higher standards than good tasting Vietnamese food and might want more from a restaurant. This is evident in the fact that after a year in operation the place is pretty empty every time we eat there.

So if you want food, that is Vietnamese in origin, and taste good, you can email me (anguyenk@gmail.com) and I will give you the name and address.

Pho Review Part 2

Where was I?

Oh yeah “No Money, No Honey”

One of the first rules in fine dinning is to avoid families with small kids. Sadly, if the kids belong to you, chances are you cannot sit them at someone else’s table. Since 47 out of 50 states (stay classy: Mississippi, North Dakota and Alaska) makes it illegal to leave kids in the car when you go to eat, you will need to take them in with you.

One of the reasons we eat at the pho restaurant in Beaverton (beaver… he… he… he) is because they put us far away from other customers so I won’t have to worry about dirty looks from the people around me. Because of this, we can enjoy yelling at our kids without the watchful judging eyes of concerned people. Also it lessens the chances that someone will call Child Protective Services on us too (again).

So we first stumbled upon this place looking for a Vietnamese sandwich shop and guess what we found? Sadly it wasn’t a sandwich shop; it was a mid-level pho/coffee/pre-packaged dessert restaurant. Lucky for us the owner was there and we were the only customers. After a little small talk and me trying to understand his business model the guy starts trying to one up me by telling me how much money he made and how much money he’s spending on the business and then he mentioned his Japanese tennis partner who looks like my wife but younger and taller. WTF was that about? You own a F-ing pho restaurant so that really isn’t something to be proud of unless you just came to America. Also if you were banging your “tennis partner” why wouldn’t you say you had a girlfriend instead of “tennis partner”? I’m thinking you’re delusional and likely a stalker.

Also pho restaurants are not high end, they are low end. Roaches, stains on the wall, dirty silverware, and an old man who can’t speak English watching a badly copied VHS of Paris by Night 75 (Reno Edition) are all part of the ambiance. But instead of going high end (Rich white people market) you decided to go way off course and go for mid-level pho. You’ve made a freakish multi-crap filled Frankenstein restaurant with a painting of the Eiffel Tower and French music in the background, decorated with shopping mall furniture and plastic plants from Garden Ridge and Hobby Lobby. So, besides the crappy décor how will you distinguish yourself from the other restaurants in the area? Why you serve coffee. Big F-ing deal, so does every other pho restaurant in the world. But you have fancy “gourmet” coffee. Well I hate to tell you this but so does everyone else in the Pacific NW and did you not see three Starbucks less than a block away from your store. Don’t get me started on your desserts from F-ing Costco too.

Lucky for the owner I haven’t talked to him since.

To Be Continued….

Erotic Vietnamese Noodle Shop

So apparently people at work do not consider me Asian or even Vietnamese and I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that we live in a Utopian society where people see beyond my skin tone or maybe it’s because I work with stupid people. Either way I didn’t know if I should feel offended when they want to take me out to this exotic (or maybe erotic) Vietnamese noodle shop that serves Pho or as whitey pronounces “faux” (Vietnamese call it “fuh?”). So make sure when you say it you make it sound like a question.

Like “what the fuh?”

So I decided to do my review of some local Pho restaurants.

Sorry I keep thinking of Erotic Vietnamese Noodle Shop and seeing my mom as the madam saying the following…

“No Money! No Honey!”

Ah F-it...

I can’t think about Pho since the only thing running through my head is Vietnamese quotes from movies

“Me love you long time”

“No boom boom soul brother”

“No Alabama black snake”

“Me no VC”

"DEE DEE MOW!"

Sadly to the Western World, Vietnam represents poor English, whores, pimps, the American guilt of the Vietnam War and the f-ing foreign kid who can spell freedom. Actually I think that kid was Cambodian but to American’s we all look the same.

Here’s how I spell freedom “F U” you mother F-ers……


Moderator: We’re sorry for the views and language of the “Angry Parent”. If you want to see real reviews of Pho restaurants in Boston please go to http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/

As always the views express by “Angry Parent” are his own and not associated with blogspot.

Angry Parent Restaurant Review

This blog is dedicated to my brother, who like a 15 year old on myspace, has started his own blog but he’s like almost 30 and not trolling for underage kids. So I don’t really know why he’s doing it but I decided to mock him with this blog. Kind of like TuPac and Biggie if they had blogs and without the uplifting social commentary on the African-American culture that those two inspired with their music.

Here’s his blog http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/ and let me tell you it sucks so please help him out and give him some pointers. Especially you 15 year old myspace kids, who have millions of people who read your entries religiously on what you IM’ed you BFF yesterday, because he needs friends.

Remember http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/ and you can link to http://sweetandsourboston.blogspot.com/ as well to tell your friends how crappy the site is.

So here’s my Restaurant Review to counter his…

Popeye’s

What can I say… there are many ways to describe the dinning experience eating at Popeye’s, but the best review was from the Adam Sandler movie “Little Nicky”.

Popeye's chicken is f-in' awesome!

Don’t mistake my review of Popeye’s for a review of “Little Nicky”, because “Little Nicky” was a crap-fest. I mean what the F was Adam Sandler thinking? Sure he was swimming in money and likely had his balls gold plated at the time because of the chafing from studio executives kissing them but WTF was that movie. It was pure crap and the only redeeming value was Popeye’s deciding to pay for some product placement.

So back to Popeye’s… And why their chicken is awesome.

1) Its spicy. Not crazy N-word spicy or Indian pepper of death spicy but more like a Cajun spicy and that’s better than Whitey spicy any day. Yeah I’m looking at you Col. F-ing Sanders. I guess one of the 7 secret ingredient is crap.

You see Col., when white slave owners like yourself stole fried chicken from the brothers, you couldn’t handle the spicy flavors so you took it out. Just like when you stole rock n’ roll, you took out the hardcore gangster lyrics.

So Popeye’s added it back and it’s awesome. Taking a bite of their chicken takes me back to living in the delta listen to Zydeco and thinking of my pa who was eaten by an alligator. And that’s something you can’t steal from me Col. Whitey Sanders!!!

2) Its cheap. Okay let me say the political correct term is “value rich”. Because 89 cent two piece special on Tuesday along with 15 piece special at the gas station Popeye’s for $8 can’t be beat. When I order the two pieces 89 cent special I’m telling people I’m “value rich”. That’s almost as good as “money rich”.

Also with being “value rich” you know the clientele are poor (monetary funds lacking) working folk who need “value rich” food so that they can continue to work and not uptight fancy elitist who will give me a dirty eye as I set down with my girls. I can take my kids to Popeye’s and not get the critical look from other people about why I can’t control my kids. We all know the look… it’s the look of the person frantically searching for any open seat on the plane when they realized that they aren’t sitting with the hottie, but the family of 4 with kids that will scream all through the 5 hour flight. I mean it’s a free F-ing country and I’m sorry I have to keep asking my daughter if she pooped because we’re potty training her and poop talk might disturbed your fancy meal. And God forbid if we spill a drink. These are little kids and accidents happen! I see how you’re looking and judging me and my parenting skills. AND I’M THE BAD PERSON NOW JUST BECAUSE I SEE YOU LOOKING AT ME AND I CALL YOU OUT. WHY DON’T YOU MAN UP AND COME OVER HERE AND TELL ME STRAIGHT TO MY FACE HOW BAD A PARENT I AM!!! OH, OH, I SEE I’M THE A-HOLE NOW MAKING THE DISTURBANCE. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR FOOD YOU A-HOLE.

FINE CALL THE F-ING POLICE SO THAT MY GIRLS CAN SEE THEIR DADDY TAKEN AWAY IN HAND CUFFS. I SEE YOU OVER THERE WITH YOUR CELL PHONE TOO. YOU RECORDING THIS FOR THE INTERNET. I GOT SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET. F-YOU! F-YOUTUBE! F-ALL YOU MOTHER F-ERS WHO ARE JUDGING ME AND HOW I RAISE MY KIDS!!!!

And that’s why daddy can’t ever eat at Bennigan’s again.

But at Popeye’s we have a fine time sitting next to a family of 20 trying to eat because they are on their way north to find jobs or maybe it’s the first of the month and the family gets a treat. So when my girl spills her drink, no one notices especially when I have the water cup filled with soda.

Where was I? Oh yeah Popeye’s is Awesome.

3) There is no three because you should already be there eating some chicken and having a good old “value rich” time.